You will lose your faith in humanity if you read this.
*grabs a Connie Springer*
((last few chapters were written in a not-so-good phase of mine, sooo...))
ok so i'm actually fucking ill atm (it happened when i woke up fml), and idk if i said this already on the last chapter, but anyways, letting you know because this shit is a rare phenomena. i'm so glad i didn't inherit my sister and my mom's shitty constitution which gets them sick with just a little stuff. although i'm here munching on some local delicacy, orange juice, and white choco with nuts.
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Day XVI - SOMETHING YOU ALWAYS THINK "WHAT IF" ABOUT
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ok, since it said "something", it's probably only just one thing.
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√ what if i were born completely differently?
- starting with "what if i was born male", it expands to other things like "what if i was born diligent", "what if i was born as someone who didn't take a liking to anime", "what if my parents were raised differently, leading to whom they married, what job they would have taken" down to "what if i had never been born". there are lots of things that my ugly mind manages to theorize, and i must agree, having such sick rich imagination is a little amusing, although disadvantageous in a select few situations.
anyways, what if i were male? would i still have the same acquaintances, same hobbies, same interests, would i still be releasing the same words, and would i be thinking the same things? who knows? but really, it's what makes you most curious. if i was born male, would my relationship with my family be awesome? if i were born male, would i be a little more hardworking, or would i have been downright lazy since i was a kid? if i were not biologically of the female species, would i have been the same wimp as a kid, transitioning into a fucking demon-wannabe by 8 years old? would i have been religious as a boy? would i not have had to deal with so much drama all my life if i were to be the opposite? would i have a personality if i wasn't born as someone who had the urge to fake all my shit just so people would think better of me? would i have been less of a people-pleaser? would i have travelled more, would i have eaten more, would i have expressed my emotions better towards the people i want to be honest with the most, and would i still have someone i want to fucking notice me despite being fully aware of the fact that i'm just another phantasmal being in their life? would i have the same choice of words, choice of books, choice of music, preferences in regards to games, and would i have gotten into something as colorful as the cos com if i my fucking chromosomes were altered?
there are so many questions with just one thought, and that's exactly why everything fucking triggers me.
but let's skip to the last one for now and try this; what if i had never been born at all? would my class' life be so much easier? would the people i would never meet anymorw feel less stressed and worried? would this person who i had accidenatlly fucking turned down in apparently the cruelest way possible, have had a replacement for the image of me during those days? if i wasn't alive, would someone i know not have cut her finger om a printer? if i wasn't alive, would this one person have learned the lesson of being more wary of people the hard way? if i wasn't born, would this person not have gotten over the edge and had thoughts about jumping down a building? if i wasn't born, would this one person i know in my current life finally managed to kill themself using a rope? if i weren't alive, would my relatives have someone to call a liar, a selfish kid, or a troublesome existence? would my sister have had a better life without a shitty sibling? would my parents not have fought over this shit and that shit if i wasn't that one fucking sperm who got lucky enough to race the others? would our first wooden door have still been intact if i didn't exist to just kick and slam it down due to my fucking temper as a kid? would it have been easier if i was just dead before i existed? i mean, people keep fucking telling me that "life is too good a thing to miss", but i'm just here thinking... if i wasn't born, would i seriously still have fucking known what being in existence felt like? what the fuck?
either way, my questions are way too fucking confusing to answer, and i'm sure everyone asks them as well. unfortunately, we can't get the answer unless we record everything from the day we woke up to the day we are currently living through, then making a visual novel out of it with multiple choices so we can see the routes we might have taken.
oh, one more thing.
would my aunt be slamming the fucking cupboards and pots right now yelling my name out for shit i didn't even mess up in the kitchen if i was different?
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this was pretty messed up, but i just had to write it after going out on a date with myself and taking the risk to wear eyeliner during a casual stroll outside where no one fucking knows me. i ended up spending all my budget for tomorrow's shoot, although, it's expected that i won't spend too much during the event. also, i'd be lucky if a few of the senpais in there take it in their minds to treat the youngest shitface in the whole industry (no joke, i'm the first of my age to be as "familiar" with the whole fucking community [i don't want to specify my shit i might look like i'm bragging], and literally the first one to go against someone so influential who receives praises to their ass everyday) to some fucking dinner right after.
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T a g g i n g e v e r y o n e w h o k n o w s K e n n y R o g e r s .
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just a pic to make me facepalm at how stupid yet on-point the fandom is
