trashcan (literal trash)

i'll just leave these here

so, in short, i no longer have the face to go to class.

firstly, i failed to answer all the questions directed to me during our graded recitation yesterday, and apparently, the questions i made were way too easy that people were able to answer them. then my short fuse got itself lit, so my mood was already really sour by this time. i tried to refrain from actually letting anyone know, but as usual, before i fucking knew it i was yelling like a retard, for everyone to just shut the fuck up with their walrus noises (because apparently, they were, again, shipping people in class while the recitation was ongoing). i was literally fucking ignored, and they kept at it, some of them even making the noises more and more without proper reason. of course i got madder, apparently. after the subject i went to the comfort room and slammed the door on one of my classmates' faces, who also happened to have been there. i stayed in the cubicle for a few minutes, and by the time i was walking back to the room i saw them filing out, going to the chemistry room. i actually thought of following shortly at first, but decided against it due to the thought that i might just blow up in their disgusting presence. so i left, went home, took my time. i thought i'd finally be refreshed again after giving myself some time-off from the atmosphere of an oppressive class. i also expected myself to be a lot calmer by the morning as i cut my hair a little bit, some kind of a tradition i formed to relieve a little bit of my negativities instead of slicing my arms with a knife or so. i thought i was just stressed or some shit, so i had to "de-stress" in order to be able to keep up my usual persona around my classmates. turns out i was wrong. i think my younger attitude is getting to me, trying to reach out to the controls of my mind's wiring, giving me back the temper i tried so hard to push away. i've gotten mad for two days in a row by that time (as i also chided one of my classmates by december 10 harshly, due to an undesirable comment that buzzed in my ears, irritating my senses and gyrating in the deepest recesses of my brain like a whirlpool in the black sea), and that's unusual. when i would lose my cool on such a day, i would be able to keep being a clown for a whole month or so, but at its shortest maybe a week, depending on the situation or the way my brain wants to quicken the arrival of agony in my chest. but it has never happened consecutively for THREE DAYS (the third of which i am about to recount) ever since i learned how to lock it in. and for each day it has gotten worse.

on december 10, i simply reprimanded my seatmate, due to the fact that she was faking mental instability. trust me, i know how it works with these kinds of people, as i've known her and managed to study her simple attitude since she was 12 and a few (maybe 8) months old. she took one of my clownish responses to a disagreeable remark, weaving it into an all-new sarcastic retort she thought would go undetected. and with such an expression, if i were not in control of my anger i would have lashed out at her with whatever object was within my reach. my initial formulation was to keep my mouth shut, but the role came too easily, of being an existence of toxicity. i indirectly ostracized her and took to giving myself a difficult predicament; of risk. it was something that could easily be overlooked, as it is within the grasps of normalcy to chide a classmate who is younger than you by a lot of things.

december 11 has gotten worse. it was that incident with the graded recitation (which, if i remember correctly, i have already written down), and my shame was all too great that i walked out on the last subject for the day. i noticed i have been doing this more often, and would always stay indifferent towards the act of leaving a class i'm expected to attend. i have never once done this before my days as a junior highschool student.

now came the most horrific of all three, december 12 and its stupefying, utterly shaming incident, which triggered me to the point of no return, no longer wanting to show this physical form i am currently taking on to whoever is in class. i got, again, hot-tempered and eventually mad, at the people in that closed space. i literally did yell profanities, and the teacher was still at the table infront. i knew i should have stopped at the first sentence that tumbled out of my unworthy mouth, but i continued. i dissed their terms, i swore at the teacher after he questioned me. we had an exchange of words at my seat, as i have directly been approached by the aforementioned human being after he grew tired of my antics, probably pent up from the days i would nap during his class, or answer a problem without a proper given solution, or slack off on every activity offered to us and not even try to prove correctly. i maintained eye contact all the while during the humiliating, shaming, threatening confrontation that would most likely lead people to lose all respect they have for an existence such as mine, in order to imply the idea of my sincerity. fabricated as it may be, no one would notice; my mockery is a success in itself, and my talent as a jester— an actor— is quite exceptional, as i have started this kind of illusionism at my own household. i can play the part that is expected of me, but to live with my shame that continues to grow even greater each day is not something you can expect of me to be able to manage. the frivolity of the situation, along with copious amounts of irresponsibility, has led me to leave the class after the bell rang for the next subject. i had not even bothered to take my things, as i was sure i would be able to formulate a plan that would allow me to take them later on, unnoticed (this proved to be correct that evening). i took refuge in the apartment my uncle had rented for himself during his travels to this provincial state, and luckily, it was as empty as a mug of spilled water. it led me to various acts of distraction, such as resorting to alcohol and various other inappropriate actions, just to take my mind off from the revolting shame that sprouted from my legitimately honest failure. my yelling inside the room probably had ripped the other tenants off from their peaceful mornings (yes, it had still been before noon), rending them unable to move on from the horrid screeches they must have heard from my door. i fell asleep after a while, the alcohol causing a slight headache and mild nausea. i had woken up after 14:00, and decided to sit in the shower for as long as i could tolerate the hot water i adjusted to be at maximum. i managed to stay in there for a little more than thirty minutes, the hot water drying my skin. i went to fetch my bag somewhere around 18:47 in the evening, and it was then that i ha realized how much of a mess i was by the end of the day. it was unprecedented. i was pretty sure the joy of my devil had risen, enough to pierce through the heart of whatever angel must have stood beside me.

so, in summary, my life of shame is yet to continue, and i have to get better at my clowning before it all goes down the drain.