trashcan (literal trash)

just

So I'll tell you what

Why do i want to die early?

THAT'S THE POINT.

I want to die while it still is this early.

I want to freaking disappear while I haven't accomplished anything yet, because dying in the future when I WOULD PROBABLY have something to call my own sounds awful.

Scary, almost.

To summarize the thought, it's that I want to die now because I fear death so much.

It's not because of depression and shit and whatnot, or whatever people thought about me from the very moment I deemed it okay to publicize this lame-ass mindset. It's because I'm a coward in more ways than one.

I'm afraid of too much happiness because shit takes place when I get too elated.

Misfortune hides behind euphoria and pushes it down, down, the downtrodden path to my everyday survival.

It's very unreasonable for someone like me who has a perfect life to wish they were dead, but, I don't know, maybe it was just too nice that I couldn't find the sense in it. And because I once also was deluded, believing that there was one divine being that ruled over all of the universe. I realized, if there was such an entity, then it's probably just controlling us, twisting our fates to how it wants it to turn out.

Probably why I don't think this life is my own at all and want to finish ittt. That's probably it. Plus, there was this thing we were made to instill into our minds when I was in 3rd grade, by our teacher who almost freaking sent me to the principal's office for lying about that time when I was rubbing my skin raw until the flesh was exposed ( no, really, it felt good, and the sight of dirty human epidermal matter wearing away is satisfying ).

The stuff said, "Your body is not yours; it is God's."

So you mean. . . We're living as his lab rats, something like that? Then for what reason are we struggling to make money for food and working hard to sustain the life of clean water every single day? Besides, there's this ooone overused, cliché as fuck question, this one query I have always been thinking about ever since I started losing myself: Why the fuck were we given the privilege to live just so we could die?

What, we're just toys or something? We're watched over as we grow old and polute this precious planet and then we die, wasted along with our unfinished masterpieces plus our undisposed trash? Screw it???

I'm getting way outta topic here, but I'm pretty positive whatever I'm going on about at the moment is loosely connected to my first idea.

I have faith in my own thinking, I swear. Not gonna pretend to be all humble and shit and say "Ohhh my god, I am sooo not making any sense because, ohhh my god, I'm a human being who has nothing to offer."

'Nyways, my birthday is on 24 this December.

. . . LMAO THAT WENT OFF TOPIC BUT YEAH, I'LL CUT THIS CRAP RIGHT HERE BYE