Hopeless Romantic -- Brallon

{16}

(This is kind of a filler imsorry but it's actually important to read so I guess not)

DJW

I'm feeling a lot better after yesterday. Staying home since I'm both mentally and physically sick is the worst. I sigh and lay back on my bed with a cold compress on my forehead. Why am I so fucked up? I'm not even that sick but I'm super exhausted.

I'm also home alone, so nobody can really help me if I need it. I bite my lip trying to think of something to do. I reach over and grab my bass.

I'm feeling contagious, right? Why not?

A while ago, I started to write a song called Cluster Hug. I really like the concept because it's basically about infectious love. Maybe I actually do like Brendon.

I clear my throat, only to be found with a hoarse voice. I'm instantly disappointed in myself for not being able to sing well. Goddamnit, all I wanted to do was sing something I've been working on.

I feel my forehead with the back of my hand and sigh. I'm not super warm, but I still have that icky sick feeling. I get up from my bed with a headache and start to head downstairs for a drink.

I open the fridge and start to pour some orange juice in a glass. I put the juice back in the fridge and I sit at the kitchen island, drinking my juice.

I look at the blue flowers on the counter that Brendon always gives me every week. I remember mom started getting excited when she saw the flowers, and wanted us together. I always said to mom: "I think he's my best friend." But I didn't know he wanted to be more than that. When we were friends before, I told him how much I hated Mondays. He started giving me a bouquet of flowers every Monday to cheer me up.

It makes me wonder how rude I was to him. I mean, I wasn't an asshole, but I tried to ignore Brendon a lot of the time. Then we were doing so well yesterday and the day before, but...

I fucked up. Like I do all the time.

After I'm done drinking my juice, I rinse the glass and fill it with water. I pour the water in the flower vase while admiring how nice they looked. For now. Usually, they'd get wilted by Thursday or Friday, but considering it's still the middle of the week, they look fine for now. I'm feeling fine for now. Feels like I'm having a good time. Maybe I just needed to be left alone for a while. I haven't had a sick day for years.

I walk back upstairs with my headache slightly gone. This is probably just going to be a day-old cold. I always used to get day-old colds in sixth and seventh grade, because of how bad my anxiety was. Ryan helped me, though. I forgot he wasn't all that bad. The only people who know of my anxiety are Ryan and my family. I wasn't super-close to Spencer, Ryan S., and Brendon in middle school. I trusted Ryan, and he never told anybody about my problems. Maybe I should've told the others too. I would've had more support back then, and I would've gotten better quicker.

I sigh and open the door to my room. Then, I flop on my bed and take my phone out of the charger. I check my notifications and scroll through some social media I barely use.

While I'm nonchalantly taking a dozen obviously gorgeous selfies, I get a call. It's Ryan Seaman. Of course I forgot to tell my friends why I'm absent today.

I decide... not to answer. I don't want to explain everything right now. Me, myself, and I are still trying to make sense of what happened, too. But will Brendon tell them?

I think I do have feelings for Brendon. I'm just not accepting them right away because it took me years to feel the same. My subconscious is afraid he'll be upset that I'm accepting feelings years later, but why would Brendon be upset? He'd be ecstatic. My subconscious is just stupid and worrisome. But that's me as a whole, so nevermind.

I mean, I didn't choose to like Brendon. It just... happened. And I'm not complaining anymore. I guess love is not a choice.

As I'm watching some Doctor Who, I remember mom told me to take a nap. I hesitantly turn off the TV and climb into bed. I'm feeling so much better since I've sorted out my feelings. I fall asleep easily.

~
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Songs referenced:
The Kids Aren't Alright -Fall Out Boy
Social Climb -IDKHBTFM
Girls/Girls/Boys -Panic! At The Disco