I Depend On You ~Zach Herron~

41

Iris's P. O. V.

That night I stopped myself from making the biggest mistake ever. Unfortunately, I couldn't protect myself alone forever.

A few days before Jack was coming home for Thanksgiving, I was in the same situation as last time, but it was much stronger. There was a big storm outside and my thoughts were taking over every inch of my body. I could feel the painful words the voice spoke in my toes.

You're useless. You can't even be away from them for two months. How pathetic is that?

They all want you dead. Then they wouldn't have anyone to worry about and they could enjoy their lives.

It didn't stop there. Eventually, I had enough. I needed the voices to stop. I tried to busy myself and get my mind on other things, but it didn't work. Without realizing it, I ended up in my bathroom with a knife in my hand.

I closed my eyes letting my body take control and do what it wants.

                             ***

I woke up in a hospital seeing my mom and my dad asleep in chairs next to me.

I looked at my body and saw bandages all down my arms and my legs. I started crying as the memories came back. I broke Jack's promise.

"Iris!" My dad said coming to the side of the bed. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my forehead.

"I'm so glad you're okay!" He said.

"I'm sorry dad." I choked out the tears still spilling from my eyes.

"It's okay, sweetie." He wiped my tears.

My mom joined in the hug and kept repeating that she was so glad that I was safe. Soon the doctors came in and asked to speak with my parents outside.

There were two things that could happen, they could admit me to a mental hospital, or I'll be sent home and earn a lot of attention from my parents. I'm sure that if my parents knew I had already tried to commit suicide, they'd send me to a hospital. But no one except Jack, Zach, and Kayla knew about that.

Oh gosh. I don't want to have to tell them what happened. I can't let them down....................wait.........................
Where were the thoughts disagreeing with me and telling me I'm useless? They couldn't have just disappeared this quickly.

"Iris?" My mom asked soothingly.

"Yeah?"

"They said they're gonna let you come home."

I knew that that wasn't it. I'd have to talk to my parents when we got home.

"Iris, please just tell us what happened. We've noticed a change in your behavior and now this. What's going on?"

I sighed. "I just miss the guys. I would see them having fun together and part of me loved it so much. But there was a dark part of me that just put all these bad thoughts into my brain. It said that I was useless and that they didn't love me. That they didn't want to worry about me and that I'd be better off dead. I was able to fight it off most nights, but last night it was too powerful."

"Do you think she should see a therapist?" I heard my dad ask my mom.

"Guys, I'm fine now. I just need to talk to Zach or Jack."

"Jack will be here tomorrow," my mom told me.

"Okay. I'm gonna go do some work," I said getting up and going to my room.

I needed to think about what to say to Jack. How could I tell my best friend that I broke his promise? And not just some promise, a promise that could've and would've ended my life.

I didn't want to dwell too much because who knows what would happen if I thought too deeply. Instead I grabbed my guitar and just messed around, but I actually found a riff I liked.

I began working on it, trying to think of lyrics. I wanted to write a song about the way my thoughts were beating me up on the inside, but I'd write it like my thoughts were another person.

Along with telling me that the guys hated me, the voice shouted everything wrong with me. My size, my looks, everything. I took all those words and turned them into a song that I thought was great.

"Wow, that one sounds like a hit," my mom said making me jump.

"You scared me." I set down my guitar.

"Sorry, I just wanted to check up on you and I heard you playing something new so I wanted to listen."

"Oh."

"What's it called?" She asked.

"I'm not sure yet. I'm thinking 'Paper Doll'. What do you think?"

"I love it."

                            ***

"Iris!" Jack yelled running to me and picking me up. I kept my grasp tight as he spun me around.

We were soon surrounded by a crowd of girls trying to get pictures with Jack and I. Once we finished, Jack and I followed his mom back to her car.

We got back to Jack's house just before his other family arrived. We all had a huge feast for Thanksgiving lunch, and hung out the rest of the day.

The day had soon come to an end and the only ones left in the house were Jack, his sisters, his parents, and I. My mom and dad had already gone home. Jack took me up to his room where we sprawled across his bed.

"How've you been?" He asked.

"Not so great. You know that."

"I just thought maybe the past few days had been good. You haven't told me about them."

"There's a reason," I said quietly.

"What happened?" He sat up and turned facing me.

"I couldn't handle it anymore, Jack. Nothing was working. I tried writing, talking to Zach, everything that usually worked. It didn't help. I didn't even know what I was doing until it was too late and I was taken to the hospital," I said feeling ashamed.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" He asked putting his hands on my knees.

"I didn't want to have to tell you that I broke your promise," I said. My voice cracked like it usually did before I would cry.

He pulled me into a tight hug as my tears spilled onto his shoulder. He rubbed my back and calmed me down.

"I-i just missed you guys so much, and it was like I was having a constant battle with my thoughts. One voice said you loved me, and another voice said you didn't. Then I kept thinking about everything that was wrong with me, and I just couldn't handle the pain in my head, so I put pain into my wrists," I said feeling like I had to justify my actions.

"It's okay. The good thing is that you're here now."

"I feel pathetic that I tried to kill myself because I had been away from you guys for a month. That's just stupid. Why do I depend on you guys so much?" I asked.

"Iris, it's not pathetic. We all missed you so terribly much to the point where anytime something about you was brought up, we'd all get quiet and sad just thinking about how far away you are."

"I just wanna go back to L.A." I sighed. "But my mom wants me to make it through Christmas."

"That's only about a month. And Zach is flying here tomorrow."

"He is?" I asked sitting straight up.

"Oops. I wasn't supposed to say that," he said letting out a short laugh.

"It's okay. Now I'm even happier." I smiled.

"Good, because I can't stand seeing you upset." He pulled me into a hug, and we fell back on his bed.

                           *****

A/n

This chapter made me so sad. Sorry guys.

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