Always & Forever (D. Swing)

Chapter 47.

Devyn

Three weeks later

The heartbreak I feel is inevitable, but I can't deny I deserved it. I have screwed up once again by putting the wrong things first as if they were priorities without thinking of the other people it may affect because I was so worried about what would happen to myself. Selfish is something I never thought I'd become. The word never seemed to fit me as I always put myself last, but Donald thinks I do the opposite. The whole situation is extremely traumatic to remember as images of Mrs.DeGrate on the ground pouring her heart out to her husband asking why'd he want to rain on her when it said there wasn't going to be any of the news that day. It left a burdon on me, knowing that I'm the cause of all of this. Knowing that I could've prevented this plenty of times, but I didn't and I had an opportunity to. The surrounding feelings the DeGrates probably have towards me are words I don't want to even think about, especially Mary and Donald.

I can't seem to do anything right for once in my fucking life. Like my mother said I am worthless and I'm an idiot. I knew it was true then when she first said it, but I didn't want to admit it because it was her that said it.

The words he said to me always run through my mind, every single time I think about him; which is a lot. From being an idiot, the comparisons of my behavior and his father, him not wanting to be with me anymore, and the questionnaire on whether everything that I ever told him about what happened to me since he wasn't actually there to witness it. A tear rolls down my cheek as I think about it again. I wasn't lying and I'm still not lying. For him to question such things that happened, including Stephen, left a profound carving onto my chest. It hurt like hell for him accuse me of not telling the truth of those things. To accuse me of being happy when he's in distraught. He now thinks the lowest form of me, which I can't do anything about.

Every night it seems like sleep earns a deduction on the number of hours I get. I've always had a moderate sleep schedule but now it has been extremely horrible. It made me wonder if I'm developing insomnia or is my sad mind always awake? It might be the same thing.

I love him. I truly do. I just don't think showing it is something I know how to do. I'm beginning to think us going our separate ways is for the better. A month without at least talking to him was a struggle, but I've gotten familiar with him not being here. Though, It'll always be a pang of loneliness I feel deep inside. Something I've always felt in the pit of my stomach but it went away once he came and returned whenever he's gone.

I need to change.

"Y'all really broke up again? Isn't this like the third time? How many more times y'all gon' break up before calling quits?" Michael's baritone voice sings into my ears, questioning me as I tell him the occurring events that had been going on in my life. Of course I didn't tell him about Donald Sr.'s smuggling past with selling, only he and I knew about it, no one else. As much as I wanted to tell their family, I couldn't bring myself to do it because they would probably think I'm lying again. But I did tell him about what Donald said to me. "What you did was fucked up, Devyn. I kind of think it's worse than what he did to you, sorry to break it to you." He sighs, speaking empathetically to me. "Why would you even do some shit like that? That's so fucking disloyal of you."

"I already told you why, Michael. She made me promise not to. It's like... she was blackmailing me." I say shyly, noticing how stupid it sounds coming from my mouth. "Blackmailing you? Devyn, she's your mother. What blackmailing could she do? All you had to do was tell. What, did she tell you you wouldn't be able to see him again if you told?" The last part he jokingly laughs.

I press my lips together, swinging the phone cord back and forth embarrassed because that's exactly why I didn't tell. Ironically, the more I think about it, the more stupid it sounds. I cover my head in embarrassment, "it's not just that, Michael. Okay, it was originally but you just.. you don't know her, okay? You don't know the things she would've done to me if I told." I reply slowly, recalling all the times she slammed me against the wall when I never did anything. "And you definitely don't know his dad either. Them two together, what was I supposed to do? I was stuck, literally and it drove me crazy."