Always & Forever (D. Swing)

Chapter 45.

Devyn

Sitting on the bone-chilling floor of my room, I rest my head against the bed glancing at the illuminating brightness shining through the window, being the only thing bringing a sense of light to my completely dark room. I've been in this position for about three hours now, not moving a single joint in my body. Soulless may be a word to describe an emotion I'm feeling or not feeling since the feeling part has been subtracted, not knowing how to exactly function after everything that occurred today. All of the events keep replaying in my head like a movie, and for some reason I think of many ways I could've changed the results of it. How I could've avoided this whole thing, but I didn't.

I'm not typically fond of who I've transformed into lately. The structure of my mind has altered so much the past year and being proud is not prominent. A mean streak has snuck itself into my brain, taking over the way I think. Now all I want to do is solve things with violence and that opposes to the way I raised myself. I convinced myself to be joyful to everyone, to never show my feelings despite it being healthy to express yourself. Though now, I'm always angry which contradicts the idea expression of your emotions being a healthy thing. How is anger ever healthy? Just because it's an emotion doesn't mean I should express it. But my heart doesn't listen to that. She pounds against my chest viciously at everything that's happened in my life so far. Whether it be involving Iris, Aunt Grace, Stephen, my dad, Leila, Kobe, my 'friends', school, and maybe my whole existence. Wishing I could go back to the delusional mind I had about a year ago is always something I do daily. I didn't worry about anything except my grades.

Everything was fine. I don't like that I curse so much for one thing. I want to apologize to Leila so bad, but I can't seem to bring myself to do so. I also desire to compromise with my dad sometimes, but at the same time I don't. I want to go back into my mom's house again and look after her, but I might end up killing her and I know it isn't a safe place there. I shouldn't have gotten up in Kobe's face like that, but I didn't give a fuck. There are lots of things I know I should ask for forgiveness, but something won't let me. And I know whoever or whatever I'm asking forgiveness from is more powerful than I am and most likely won't forgive me despite me being one of his creations that comes with millions of flaws.

I haven't drawn anything in a while and it bothers me. I always feared that if I stopped, the talent would go away. Staring at a pencil in curiousity, I reach for it, knocking a couple of things off my dresser. I get up, grabbing a sheet of paper. I place it on one of textbooks and think of something. Not a single image pops into my mind. No inspiration. Uninterested. Lifeless. Immune to everything in my surroundings. Almost a numbness that mentally overpowers the physicality of the word. I struggle to keep my eyes open while staring at the paper in front of me wondering why it's so plain and blank, bringing a negative aura to its persona. I frown, clenching my fists repeatedly beginning to feel irritated. My hands run across my face, fingering the dried up blood around my swollen lips. I breathe heavily at the pain as tears expand around my eyelids.

The house phone rings, causing me to drop the pencil on the ground. I stare at it, wanting to throw it across the room because the noise is so irritating. I growl almost falling over before catching myself. Reaching over to it, I quickly answer the phone so no one else in the house has to wake up furious. Lazily leaping onto my bed, I extend the phone cord out a bit more so I can have more room to lay down. Answering the phone with words squeezing their way through my teeth, I greet whoever is on the other line. "Hello?"

"Devyn," recognizing the voice as soon as his breathing ferociously invades my ear, I become relieved at the calming sound, finally settling at ease, "what did you do?" He attempts to whisper but it only comes out louder than expected before he curses to himself.

The ease suddenly vanishes once the color of his tone changes. "Got punched in the face." I say nonchalantly, wrapping myself up in covers. Despite it being very warm and spring always making my room moist, I still feel cold for some reason. "And I got suspended."