My lungs are devoid of air, and my eyes are red and burning. I tugged and fidgeted with my wrists anxiously with the words 'You fucked up, you fucked up, you fucked up,' being chanted in my head like a mantra.
Why did I have to close the gap between us? He's another male, and like he said, I'm straight. Was it just that I was in the moment, broken by my recent break-up with the love of my life? Or was it that I have real feelings for the boy?
Ugh, my head is swirling with questions and pounding with pain.
I love Peggy from the bottom of my heart.
I love the way she can dazzle the room with just a flashing smile. I am absolutely astonished by the fact that she has tolerated my ass over all of these years.
But I also like the way that Alexander can make himself somewhat invisible in a small setting. I like the way he's silently observing everyone talking, like they're a science experiment, and not a living person. He's completely quiet until he quietly cracks a snarky yet funny joke that sends everyone roaring in their seats. I admire his devotion to get something done, his devotion to make things that he believes in.
I'm in love with Alexander Hamilton.
But isn't being in love a good feeling? A feeling that swells up deep in your soul? Not a feeling that scratches at your wrists until you're bleeding. A feeling that buzzes in your arms and chest when you're close to this person, feeling skin hungry.
I want to be everything but close right now with Alexander. I want to be far away from everyone, including Alex.
But inside, I feel something else, something that's not trying to seep its way out, but instead forcing and crawling itself out. I want Alex's soft pink lips on mine, and I want his hands around my hips as he kisses me softly.
No, fuck! I don't want to do that, that's gay?
And besides, it's not like Alexander likes me back anyways. He shows no sign of romantic affections towards me. I can't blame him. I'm a fuck up who can't even hold a stable relationship with a girl, how the hell am I supposed to keep a relationship intact with another guy?
That makes me think: If I'm starting to grow feelings for Alexander, did I ever really love Peggy?
The thought sends shivers down my aching spine. It couldn't be possible that after seven years I could be blind of who I really was? But then Alexander strolls into my life, making me question who I love and who I am. When I'm with him, my heart feels like it's pounding through my chest, trying to tear it's way out into Alex's grasp.
I softly sigh, panting from my day of non stop crying until I hear the front door unlock. I immediately freeze, clutching my pillow with one hand and my mouth with the other. I shut my eyes right and I hope that whoever is out there won't notice me and leave.
"John," A small familiar voice whispers, and I immediately recognize it as Alexander's voice. My body was like a mannequin, frozen in time unless shifted by someone else. I don't answer back.
The edge of my bed sinks as Alexander sits down on it. I turn my head into my wet pillow letting more silent tears spill out. Alex lightly placed his hand on the side of my head.
How can I feel two contradicting emotions at once? A sense of relief and comfort washes over me as I feel his cold hands sit on my cheek, but I also feel a burning in my chest that's screaming 'Get away, Alexander! I will ruin you and hurt you." He doesn't seem to listen or hear my silent screams.
"John?" He mutters again, gently caressing my cheek. "Are you alright?"
I softly shake my head no and bury my head deeper into the pillow, wishing it could swallow me whole.
I hear Alex sigh as he leans down and rests his forehead on the side of my head. I feel is soft breathing on my cheek which sends shivers down my spine. Out of almost instinct, I turn my head so my forehead is touching his. I can see his brown eyes up close.
"What are you doing?" I croak, my voice hoarse.
"Checking to see if you're alright," he answers back, grinning slightly. Oh, that lopsided grin that makes me melt!
"Why?" I ask.
"Because I like you," he answers back, shutting his eyes gently.
"I will ruin you, Alexander."
"What if I want to be ruined?" He replies which shocks me. I close my eyes and slowly lean into the tight space between us, my lips softly pressing against his. It sends a rush of adrenaline through my vines as he lifts his legs over me so he's lying on top of me. I wrap my arms around his torso as he gently kisses me. He leans back for a moment and wipes away my tears off of my freckled cheeks and I smile.
I'm in love with Alexander Hamilton.
omg i fucking updated !! bro it's been a lil long but i've been working on my original novel but i finally finished this. let me know what y'all think and what y'all wanna see next??
also probably not but did anyone catch that reference from that old bollywood movie ?? no?? i'm the only bengali-american here? okay then lmao
cya fam squad and plssss comment i love reading your guys' comments.
YOU ARE READING
You Will Be Found || Lams || COMPLETED
फैनफिक्शनJohn Laurens wish he could say that he loved Peggy. After all, they have been a pair since high school. Although he couldn't deny that he cared for the Schuyler sister, in his third year of college, a new potential number jumps into the equation, le...
