(purposely typed in lowercase and with typos to symbolize messy frantic handwriting)
the pain.
i cant even remember the date. what is the fucking date.
john laurens asked me out on the 22nd, just days ago. three days ago, to be exact.
so today is the 25th. my potential last day on earth. november 25 2017
there is blood encrusted on my pen. there is blood spilling on these pages. there is blood on my hands, all from me. my blood. blood blood blood blood darkness pain blood blood
john is waiting for me but i cant reach him. he was so close so close i could taste him. he was in my arms. the universe decided that no one i love should ever survive, so why had the universe decided to take MY life instead this time around? is it the mistakes ive made? is it the people i hurt?
have i ever hurt john?
i had imagined death so much it feels more like a memory. i pondered when it would get me, on my feet, seven feet ahead of me. but this is all too quick. nothing will top this excruciating pain. nothing.
there is blood pooling on the wall. the rv is flipped sideways. blood,.
my head is throbbing with pain i could never had imagined. my eyes are going dark. i cantwrite. everything is going dark. i can only hear the sounds of my pen scratching the paper ever so desperately, as if these etchings could save my life. i
i hear sirens now. i hear screaming
i hear nothing at all at the same time.
but there's a faint voice in my head that's being overpowered by the shrill ringing in my ears. it could be in my head. or it could be right next to me??
i'm too delirious to notice and i'm too focused on writing . it's not until i realize it's john's voice inmy head. where i reali ze it's him speaking to me through my thoughts.. c ss
"Alexander, please. Do not give up on me. Do not! You are stronger - you are amazing. You brought me joy in my darkest moments. I can't lose you this early. I can't- I-
I love you, Alexander."
a hand seems to reach out to me. i see my mother on the other side. te a ch mee how too say goodbye..,
rise up
rise up
john,
i'll see y ou on thhe otherr sidee
the rims of my vision goes black, a dark vinaigrette settlin g inn
i f ad e in t o t he dar k n e sss
a. ha\
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You Will Be Found || Lams || COMPLETED
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