ASUNDER (I) : tmr newt

22: I'm Swimming

22 Dawn

"We've got to talk about what happened."

It's early morning, and I am tired, but I am awake in the Deadheads next to Minho. I can barely see him in the dim lighting. At this time, only the Runners should be awake. It makes it easy for me to stand next to him, and talk about secrets without anyone finding out.

"Really?" I laugh, not bothering to look at the boy. Instead, I focus my attention on a leaf hanging off a tree. My fingers graze it but I do not rip the green off of its stem. "You seemed really keen not to speak to me after Michelle almost got banished."

"I was trying to save her," he tells me, and I can tell he is slightly offended by my accusation.

From here I can make out all the individual lines on the leaf. I can seem the stem, and all the veins in the green of the tree. Is it called a petal? It looks as beautiful as the flower.

Somehow even a tree holds a universe. There is so much I want to see, and instead I am stuck here in a forest, with a boy who will barely give me the time of day.

"Trying to save her after she was saved?" I almost laugh but I can feel the burning in the back of my throat. "Look, I didn't expect you to come running to me, but you actively avoided me. I tried to find you."

In the silence I can hear the tension in his shoulders. The uneasiness in his skin makes me crack my neck. I'm trying to be mad, and frustrated. Why does Minho think he can just simply ignore me?

"I know."

It's not an answer I want to hear, and I doubt it is an answer he wants to say. I understand he doesn't have to want me, or to kiss me again, or whatever, but he can't just avoid me. We are trapped inside Walls, and while there may be a universe in between these Walls, there is an even bigger universe outside. Relatively, it would be nearly impossible for us to avoid each other.

He knows it too. He has been here much longer than I have. In fact, he knows more about how their whole system functions. Not that I care. There is much more to learn about than silly politics.

"Why?"

It's simple. Why has he been avoiding me? It's a question I can't help but ask. I imagine it's because of me. Sure, it possibly could be because of him, but I can hear his explanation now. It was just a spur of the moment thing, and it meant nothing, and he shouldn't have done it. Besides, his precious leader would never condone his actions, which means they were wrong.

That I am not the right choice to make.

I turn around to face him. He begins to choke for an answer out of his mouth but none ever comes. When I raise my brow at him, he raises one back.

"What do you want me to say?" There is a little bit of a pointed stance in his question, but he is genuinely asking.

What do I want him to say? Well, I want him to say so many things. I want him to say he sees the stars in my eyes, and feels the static in my skin. I wish for him to wish for me, in every shape and form and to crave my lips like they are his only salvation.

That's how I feel about him. I know I barely know him. In fact, I barely know anything there is to know at all. However, I know that when I see his eyes they look warm and content. He must be a good person, because he fought Gally on Michelle, and he stood up for me. He helped me in the Maze when I was alone, and saved me from a Griever. Maybe he doesn't crave the stars like I do, but he is willing to climb with me to see them. I think it's that which matters.

None of that is important if that is not who I am to him. I am not a star, nor the need to explore. What I am, is a girl, in a place surrounded by boys. No matter how I feel, I have to understand that I am a new and shiny object, one that attracts attention but has no permanent place. There is no single part of me that doesn't want him to say that he wants to be with me.