ASUNDER (I) : tmr newt

29: I'm Lonely

29 Leo

"You know, I am truly sorry."

She doesn't answer me. I didn't expect her to even acknowledge my presence, but her eyes flicker up to my face as she looks at me. I watch her bite her lip, and straighten up in front of the fire. Catching my eyes one last time, she takes a deep swig at the glass jar in her hand. She finishes the rest of the brown liquid off, and I watch as she tries not to flinch at it going down her throat.

"I'm glad you are out," I continue, trying to maintain my stance in front of her.

Forgiveness is not something I need from her. Technically I did nothing wrong, but that also means I did nothing right. I am as guilty for everything that has happened as the next guy.

"Leo would you shut up already?" Michelle's dirty hair hangs in her face, covering her eyes. "It's not your fault you shank. It's nobody's fault except those shucking Baggers."

I am shocked. Michelle is being reasonable? That's not really her style. Something happened to her in solitude. She didn't calm down; I can tell from the way her knuckles turn white as they grip the glass in her hand.

It's hard to maintain respect in front of someone so hard. How she has restrained herself from getting up and socking my preppy mug in the face is more than completely beyond me. She has more than every reason on the planet to scream and yell at me. In fact, I don't know how she is staying so calm and composed.

She isn't calm though. Her scowl wears her and ways her down, much like the bags under her eyes. Michelle is not relaxed, she is exhausted.

I've got nothing else to say to her, so all I can do is squat next to the log she sits on. Eventually she stands up, leaving the empty glass on the log.

As she leaves I still stay as close to the ground as I can. Michelle is out and not causing trouble. The smallest girl is awake. I can see Minho from where I stand here, and he is not with Dawn. Everything is healing from what it once was.

Although, I know I am tricking myself. The small girl isn't speaking or moving in her bed. Violence is getting ready to spring out of Michelle's skin since she is the quiet before the storm. Last night I caught Dawn sneaking around with Minho in the dark. Really nothing has become better, and there is nothing I can do about it.

How can I be in charge? I long to lose this power that was thrusted violently into the palms of my hands. These girls aren't people I can control? Can people even be controlled, and is it morally right to do so? How I miss being asleep. Whatever was happening before this can't be any worse than this now. My lungs hurt, and I can feel them thumping up and down in my chest.

I can't be responsible for them. No one can. We are doomed and we have been doomed since the second I opened my eyes and saw nothing. I miss the nothing. The sound of nothing except the metal cage cracking against the walls, and the feeling of the cool cage bringing blood out to my fingertips.

This can't be happening. I can't do this. It's too much pressure, and too much weight, and I am too tired for any of this to function for my body. Why is this happening? Why can't I stop it? Even then in the Box I was brought up in I felt this. This bubbling and bursting pressure that fills my muscles and my bones, and makes everything contract.

I can't stand up. I can't move and I can't breathe. Why is this happening?

Who put us here? I don't mean in the shucking Glade, I mean on the planet. Why am I here to begin with? Who were my parents, and why can't I demand to know what they did to make me like this? In this body, in this world, with this responsibility hanging over my head like a blade in a guillotine.