{ #3 } Twisted Moon (MxM || 18+)

Chapter 78 - Guilt

Twisted Moon - Book 3 of the Black Moon series - Chapter 78: Guilt

(Noah's POV - Sat. 25 July 2015)

"We're here, Noah," Camden whispers softly as he grabs my hand again. My eyes have been staring in emptiness in front of me during the whole ride back from the hospital but when they adjust and focus on my surroundings, I recognize the long garage door of Camden's house. He has been holding my hand throughout the entire drive, only letting go of it when he needed to turn, and I just let him.

My emotions toward him are so confusing and contradictory at the moment. Most of the time, I feel like I don't deserve all his gentleness and affection. He should hate me. He should reject me. He should dump me somewhere I wouldn't be able to find him again and make sure to keep away from me. For fuck's sake, he got wounded by my fault! How can he still show me so much affection after what happened to him? And yet, he does show me affection and I can hardly accept it; but only hardly; because this is where my contradictory conscience interferes.

I need him.

My feelings for him haven't lessened in the last three weeks. If anything, they have only increased. I still need him like I need air to breathe, and for now, these little gestures somewhat soothe the pain enhanced by guilt in my head. So, I just let him, taking only the minimum I need to survive sanely enough and knowing I should wean myself off him. Because the day he faces reality and understands I am to blame, he will certainly decide to kick me out once and for all. When that happens, I had better come prepared for the fall because it will hurt really badly, so this is what I have been doing this week already, trying to take a bit of distance from him.

"Noah, let's go home," Camden says on my right side.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even register he had gotten out of the car to open my door. Shaking my head, I follow him inside the house where an overexcited Jess rushes to us, or more precisely to me. Seeing how happy he seems to be at my return sends another jolt of guilt to my chest, enticing more pain in my head. I can't believe I barely had a thought for him in my absence... What kind of a master am I? A horrible one for sure and I surprise myself thinking that should Camden dump me at some point, I sincerely hope he will keep Jess. My poor puppy would be much better off with him.

"Go and rest for a while on the couch, Noah; unless you prefer going upstairs?" Camden asks, his hand caressing the back of my head. Jess, that I am carrying in my arms, starts licking his forearm as a greeting sign.

"I'll stay here..." I reply without emotion before I turn around and go to lie on the couch with Jess. It feels weird to be here again when I think I was sitting at this exact same place before the drama started. While Camden apparently takes care of some chores that include a bit of cleaning and mostly some laundry, I simply stay there, absent-mindedly petting the little black and white cocker spaniel. He cuddles tightly against my chest, nesting his nose in the crook of my neck and whimpering lightly. I really wonder what I did to deserve so much attention and his show of affection only heightens my guilt.

GUILT.

Guilt is a terrible emotion. This is what you feel together with sadness when you realize you have done something wrong or caused harm to someone else. This is something vicious that gnaws at your mind and prevents you from moving on. I have been oppressed by guilt all my life, it seems; or almost. It started after Lea's death when I was three and when my parents decided to put all the blame on me. They never stopped doing that, and as a child, I was quite naïve enough to believe them and let them drill the accusation into my mind. I could trust them to remind me of it on a regular basis so that I wouldn't forget, and it took Camden quite a bit of convincing to make me see the truth a few months ago and accept that my twin sister's death wasn't my fault.