{ #3 } Twisted Moon (MxM || 18+)

Chapter 80 - One Step Back

Twisted Moon - Book 3 of the Black Moon series - Chapter 80: One Step Back

(Noah's POV - Sat. 8 August 2015)

His hands are firm on my body and I am so weak that I cannot fight against him. He roughly drags me to the torture room and brutally throws me across the bench. By some sort of miracle, I have barely touched the leather of the bench that I am already all tied up in the restraints, unable to move. Andrei is guffawing behind me, throwing out some of the worst insults and calling me his slut as his large paws knead my buttocks.

However, the script suddenly changes and I am teleported outside of the tied body and pinned against the opposite wall, facing a gagged Jeremy. Andrei's lustful and sadistic eyes glow as he smirks at me and I then notice that he is fully naked. I scream as he thrusts forward and slams inside the poor boy.

"Noah!!! Noah!!!!"

Daddy!! What is he doing here?

Ugh, same nightmare again. I feel so bad for Jeremy...

That guilt won't leave me alone! I just can't help it and none of Daddy's words seem to convince me that I have no responsibility in what happened. If my mind can't accept it, I guess this is only because it is not true. I do have my share of culpability in the events. I do not deny that most of the blame goes to my parents and Andrei and his crew. And in this respect, I no longer resent myself for having worried Daddy during my absence. The fact that he is safe and knowing that he also fucked up when he decided to go on his own have also tamed my guilt for having him nearly killed when he was shot, but that same knowledge also reinforces my guilt toward Jeremy.

I should have known better than to panic when I saw all the blood on Daddy's tee-shirt that day. I should have grabbed myself together and looked under the shirt. I would have seen where the bullet got in and known that it shouldn't be too serious. I should have run after the van and tried harder to save Jeremy. And even before that, I shouldn't have cowered in the bushes and better used my time to go and free my companion in the van. These are a lot of should have's that could have saved his life. That is inacceptable to me and there is nothing that can make me think otherwise.

Daddy's reasoning that I wouldn't have had time to free Jeremy and could have been taken away by Andrei does make a bit of sense, I admit it. But who knows? Who the fuck knows what would have happened if I had rushed to the van to get Jeremy? Maybe I would have had enough time to do it. And he would be safe! He wouldn't be between Andrei's paws any longer. And even if it didn't work, as awful as it sounds, I would have been there with him to take the blows in his place and support him as well. I know how this might sound ridiculous because I obviously attach more affection to Daddy, but it doesn't change anything to the fact that I was captive for two weeks and I am already back in the comfort and safety of my man, when Jeremy has been deprived of all this for more than a year. This is just not fair.

So, ever since last Tuesday when Daddy and I had that long conversation in the bedroom which somehow pulled me out of my oblivion, I have slightly felt better and made some efforts to pull myself through. I no longer sleep all day long. I do sleep in late in the morning while he is at work but I busy myself with chores in the house for the rest of the day and until he gets back home in the early evening. That allows him to relax and us to spend time together, and it clearly makes him happy; almost as much as the fact that we are now able to hold conversations and that I no longer retract into my shell. Also, I eat better and I accompany him for long walks with Jess in the evening.

All in all, things look a bit brighter but they are still far from perfect. Evidence lays in these nightmares that I keep having every night. They just prove that my conscience is not ready to accept the absence of guilt and that I am still seeking for Jeremy's forgiveness. Unfortunately, those dreams keep throwing me into intense and exhausting trances from which Daddy has difficulty to pull me out of and it takes me more and more time to calm down and ease off the tension. Last night, it went so far that it felt like my head was going to explode from the throbbing pain. Daddy had to restrain me with his body while I was thrashing all over the bed and begging him to punish me.