You can't spell space without ace (vkook)

The epitome of all and nothing

All or nothing is not always the case. Sometimes you can be both, what it's not only confusing to those who hear it, but also to those who feel it.

Because how could you realize something like that? When do you begin noticing that the nothing you feel crash with the all? You catch yourself wondering if something like that is even possible, if something like that even makes sense.

It does and it's confusing and it can lead your mind to short circuit most times, but once you understand it, then is liberating and you think that this must be what freedom and acceptance feels like.

Weeks have passed since that night in the mall, but what Yugyeom said to Jeongguk was still stuck in his mind.

Ever since that he started to try paying more attention to his own thoughts. He was trying to let his mind wonder free in hope to grasp his romantic attraction in between the mess that was his thoughts.

Jeongguk didn't lie to his friend once he told him he was not gay, because he isn't, but even if Jeongguk knew being asexual meant he wasn't straight, he felt that something else added to it. Added to the fact he isn't straight.

It was honestly incredibly hard to figure this out because most of the time Jeongguk felt that his asexuality came in the way of his romantic attraction.

He was never sure if what he was feeling for others was romantic attraction or aesthetic attraction, because both are different things that sometimes correlate and sometimes don't.

Jeongguk lost count of how many different posts he read about that. These past few weeks had been hell on earth for his mind and maybe he shouldn't be pressuring himself to figure this out but both his mind and heart were so confused he felt he just needed to know.

He is aware that romantic attraction roughly means that you'd like to have a romantic relationship with someone. You'd like to go on dates with them, hold their hands, hug them, kiss them, and other things like that.

Meanwhile aesthetic attraction is not related to romantic or sexual attraction. It basically just means you appreciate how beautiful someone is.

Jeongguk came across others type of attractions such as: sensual attraction, emotional attraction and intellectual attraction and even if he appreciated having different terms because he is sure some people can identify better with one or another, he felt his brain was suffering from overload of information and he couldn't take that.

That's why he decided that for him romantic and sensual attraction meant the same - sensual attraction being defined by desire to interact with others in non-sexual ways like hugging or cuddling - because that felt right for him to think.

He also decided to not consider emotional or intellectual attraction in this case because he is sure he feels those for his friends and family.

So he was trying to sort his feelings between romantic or aesthetic attraction.

He was sure he felt aesthetic attraction to anyone at all. He could look at anyone and think they were pretty, regardless of their gender identity.

But did that meant he was romantically attracted to anyone, regardless of their gender?

He was pretty sure he felt romantic attraction, but that still confused him some times.

Sometimes he felt like he wanted to date and kiss but other times he wasn't one hundred percent sure of those feelings. He never dated anyone. Never kissed anyone, never even held hands with anyone and until he got into college he never felt the need to do any of that.