Man a m I s u p e r depressed. Like fucking Christ I hate when this fucking hits because I knew it was gonna hit ariund this time anyway and jeez like. Everything's just so fucking pointless. Literally life is about as fucking meaningless as it gets when you think about it. Plus fucking
If live fucking sucks anyway, and life typically feels really shitty then w h y should you fucking live. If you're unhappy with something basic rules of life tell you to fucking get rid of it.
And wow do I reflect a lot when I'm in moods like fucking this and I can't stop thinking about//them// and holy shit fuck like are you even doing okay now a days because we don't talk much anymore and I'm glad because it helps me a bit but I'm scared because you used to talk about how great I was before you became an asshole and you were like oh you're the best thing in my life and so sweet and that worries me because if that really was true are you doing alright because a lot of your life involved me and it went vice versa too and geez thinking about you makes me so sad and regretful and man I'm sorry. And as for him yes he's a ducking idiot but it makes me sad he's leaving and hhh that's why I feel so shifty ahywah because it doesn't ducking feel real and it's hard to comprehend why like life went from that to thatvto him moving you know that's super fucking weird. Also like life is so weird to live through and that's probably disassociation talking but it makes zero fucking sense like why do we interpret life like this is life even real what's the point what's the meaning why do social standards function so complexly what for isn't death probably better and less stressful absolutely. Like w h y can't I die I guess. Like death is cool you know like there's no stress or fear I guess or maybe it's eternak stress or fear but he'll do we even die really what even happens what is dying what is the world I don't know I don't get it it's weird to think about it's saddening to think about because nothing matters and nothing makes sense I don't even like living I don't I don't even feel like I'm living I feel like I'm just here like 999% of the time what's the point really is life even real and like I miss you I guess and I just I don't know I wanna see you someday sometimes but I doubt I ever will and that makes me sad because I spent two years of trying to keep you happy and just dreaming about so much as eye contact with you and it died and it died theee months ago yeah but it still hurts and it's weird that you're gone and dating is so weird geez because I ended it off because it was really stressful and it really hurt and it still kinda hurts but not as bad and I kinda miss you but I kinda wanna avoid you a lot so geez and my dads so far away soon and god I'll probably see him like once a year my mom has a ducking lawyer and I don't really wanna go to court for a decision I don't even really know myself because I'm fifteen and man that's scary. I don't know what to do jeez like can I die are the consequences to death really that bad like jeez because I won't have any. And and ducking constant anxiety would die out that's great and life is weird if life even really fucking matters for something because in reality any effort is pointless because we're actually just kinda specs and that's scary and a lot of my smarter friends talk about the historical reasoning on why god probably doesn't exist and is just a social construct and you know that's cool and doesn't scare me because you know he's not like I kinda don't know how to feel about religion but also kinda hope god does exist so atleast I guess something good exists but like I don't know when I die it'll probably be suicide anyway and I'm gay so I guess I'll burn in hell and that scares me hhhh and so if I go by that logic I goes I kinda hope there's nothing aftercdwath but to stop existing is probably scary but I also I hate existing because it leads to feeling like this so geez what do I know I'm just some ducked up kid who can't think straight isn't really all that great at anything and lacks utter motivation to get a drink when faced with extreme emotional turmoil from breaking down severelyso that's alwa y s cool
