I don't know who I am.
And I don't know who I want to be.
I don't know why I'm here.
It's like some days are better than others but it still feels like everyday I'm trying to push out all these thoughts and repressed memories and they don't go away. The anxiety I'm developing over these fears is getting out of control and I don't know how to tone it down.
I don't know how to convince myself everyone won't leave me anymore. I act like I can I act like I'm confident that I have friends and family that won't leave me but. I can't believe it emotionally.
After July I've been struggling greatly with convincing myself, anyone cares anyone won't abandon me or leave me.
My dad doesn't care about me he moved to Kentucky.
My father who I trusted who I was starting to finally develop a relationship with made a choice to move to some place far away and inaccessible and lose time for his kids. That hurts. That makes me anxious still it's been a year yeah but it keeps me up at night. It makes me wonder what I did wrong what I deserved for another person to just leave me here, and then July really dug the final nail onto the coffin.
I keep thinking about you, I keep thinking how you pushed me out and how you were shitty but like it scares me, it horrified me that you're gone even if you're toxic and really bad I can't mentally handle it. And everyday I tell myself it's better it'll get better that feeling of emptiness will go away
But it doesn't.
It stays.
It lingers
It makes me think.
I find myself paranoid about if I'm gonna be all alone and I don't know why
I don't know other people even matter to me, but they do
I don't know I feel like wevyeons gonna push me away or leave me alone because logically I think they wouldn't
Mentally I can't stomach it. Mentally it's one seed of doubt that leads me to feel panicked.
I can't sleep at night, for a week now I try to sleep and I lay awake because as I'm dozing off no matter how tired I am those thoughts creep in and they infect me. It's like they rip out any part of me that believes someone cares that my mom loves me now and she won't leave but part of me know she's dying. Part of me knows she's gonna die on me one day and my little brother. And it's hard to keep that out.
Part of me knows someone close to me won't treat me so badly again but I'm scared they'll leave. I'm scared of drifting apart I'm scared of being insignificant I'm scared of becoming minuscule in people's lives and I don't know why.
Emotions suck, my head sucks for these very reasons.
I get scared too easily,
You scare me.
You've indebted this fear into me
You've instilled into my brain and soul and chest and fuck it burns.
It's like acid is tearing into me and I get so scared that everything's gonna fall apart.
That it's gonna be eight grade again. That it's gonna be last summer again.
That doesn't feel great.
It'd be nice if my stepdad didn't threaten to leave us so much either, I hate trusting adults.
I feel like I'm wedges between being too old to be treated like a kid but too young to be an adult.
I wish I could say wow I hate you, because you've triply destroyed me you're the reason I look at people and scenarios and think oh god.
I try to be apathetic but that doesn't work cause when I'm apathetic all that runs through my head is how do I end myself. And I don't know if that's my goal mainly because I'm scared of failing and the repercussions if I don't die.
But. I don't know.
I wish it'd end already. I've been waiting for it to get better. And some days it's better than others and other days everything insides me screaming about how it's all gonna fuck up.
How everyone either dies or leaves or hates you.
And I wish I could do more. I know medicine won't help.
Medicine doesn't make me happy, it won't ereaze years of mental trauma it won't make more creative.
I just, I'm between a rock and a hard place I guess.
I'm so confused on why life sucks so bad or whatever but hey nothing I can do about it right?
All the more reasons life's nothing more than some sick joke that some holy deity watches and creates for who knows what.
