I found some old rants from middle school and god life used to suck, here's the many reasons why everything sucked so bad back then except for the really personally ones I will never mention ever but still scare me to this very day
I remember like, the main thing was I felt like there was a literal void in my soul up until sometime last year, legitimentally it felt like an entire piece of my actual being had just been ripped away from me from the first day I stepped foot in my middle school. it felt horrible, and I remember I had like zero morality because of it // ex ample- I had a shit ton more of actually sociopathic thoughts like I was like I'd rather this bus crash and everyone die on it then go home/ go to school it was messy/ it felt like I had a constant black hole withering aWay me as a person and it just turned me into something that just breathed and was void of any happiness.
I remember truelyncoming to terms with the fact I was in fact gay when picked on for liking a boy and then saying I didn't like him because I didn't?? I couldn't have had less attraction to him like oooof and I started falling in love with someone I met online who was not a boy and it's like oof I'm gay, also all the daily faggot insults or flirtaious remarks I got reallly fueled that fire. And a few other uncomfortable moments I can't speak of fueled the suicidal fire at the same time of making me realize more gay I was.
I didn't talk to anyone except for people online which oof sucked. I had one ( 1 ) friend and she's cool and we're still friends but like, she started dating someone and I knew she had other friends and was capable of socializing which contradicted to me only knowing her in that school greatly. my math teacher constantly harrased me for zoning out which caused me to get my first ever c, fun.
I remember home life sucked so much worse and that's a lot of subjects I won't touch on because oof but I just remember never wanting to enter home from a mixture of fear and other things, I also remember my older sister would sneak boys in make me sleep in the closet with my ds while she hardcore fucked one of our neighbors
I remember I used to debate if running away and walking to another state was a good option?? I would think to myself that surely even if I died hell or a void after death would be far better then remaining there, and because I had no ties to anyone it'd just be like " oh that kids missing, oh I never knew them I guess it's fine"
I also mastered the art of crying silently, I once cried infront of the one girl who was my friend for a full twenty minutes and she didn't notice at all.
And that's just like half of seventh grade eighths grade was oof I don't know worse or better but man I was depressed
also ninth grade sucked to but it got better the second half I guess
