It's fucking Christmas. For seventeen years I have always been excited for Christmas, I've waited in excitement for months and the night before it was just smiles and wonders.
It's five thirty and I can hardly breathe. I hate that man so god damn much he fucking ruins anything. It's not my fucking problem he's an ex drug addict and has fucking anger issues. It's not our fucking duty to accommodate for him, he's a ducking azshat. I'm never going to be comfortable with a man who has done nothing since May if criticize me, blatantly insult me, attack me, and gone as far to threaten me while I'm inebriated. I don't fucking like touching people at all because im autistic and if I set a boundary for the monster you brought into your fucking home then I'll be damned if it inconveniences him to keep it. Maybe if you want a fucking hug so bad you should've thought of that before you fucking threw me into four panic attacks in the last seven months. I fucking hate him. I'm not gonna kiss his ass because you're making me kiss his ass out of your own selfish fear of dying alone. I'm tired of being talked down to or insulted I'm tired of grown man self depreciating himself for attention when he feels unwanted after abusing his wife and her kids. I'm tired if the screAming it's not normal. It's not men are men. No fucking sane person threatens to beat their step kid because he has severe adhd and he fucking stared off. I've never been worried about Christmas
I've never been anything but happy on Christmas Day but I can't breathe right. I can't stop panicking because some jack ass has talked to me for months on end about how I'm a fucking problem, and I keep getting more and more depressed because it's this constant loop of demeaning bullshit , I've been shit on for months over Christmas Day, and that same asshole fucking bullies me for not coming out or doing anything but god I c a n t bring myself too I can't keep faking laughter forever or putting up a fucking act. I hate it here I hate him so much, he's such a bad person. I wanna see my dad on Christmas, I wanna go home. I want to feel happy and not worried that some asshole who keeps repeating he hates it and it's stupid ruining one of the few things in life I've always cherished. I can't stop crying I'm so scared and I can't cry in a few hours or else I'm a fucking big problem and inconvenience. I'm tired of being treated like shit.
I wish my mom loved me like my dad did. I wish I grew up with a mom that cared, I can't take her shitty husband anymore he's an abusive prick and he makes me so uncomfortable and depressed god. I don't know how much longer til fuck. I just wanna he happy on Christmas. I just wanted to look at my birthday like it was decent, and not have my mom threatened because my dad the wonderful human being he is offered to buy me a birthday dinner, and just see me. I haven't seen my dad on my birthday in three years. I was so happy for that it's not fair that some fucking anger management disaster gets to ruin that. He's a horrible ducking person that's why he'll never be a dad or a parent because his solution is to threaten kids.
I just wanna he happy for Christmas it's one of the few things I always enjoy I can't have it ruined I get to see my dad on Christmas, for the first time in three years and I just I want to be excited for that but I'm nervous about pissing off someone who thinks their superior just because they have a pence. I'm tired. I just want to be happy and unwrap gifts with my brothers and sister and my mom age dad she everyone get along. I miss that. I don't want some abusive prick there watching my every reaction making shitty comments. I don't wanna lie and not say I'm crying on Christmas Day not because he's on the verge of fucking yelling and I miss my dad and I hate living with my mom two years in a row. I hate screaming and yelling and I hate anger. Angry men are fucking terrible as if men weren't bad enough. I'm not below someone because I'm a ducking kid. I refuse to be treated that wAy my dad can do that and my mom can goo but they both argue I haven't done anything wrong. I'm tired of I being antagonised when I do literally nothing. I hate it here. Atleast I never fucking saw him before we moved and never realised he was a shitty person.
Not to mention he stAlks me. Listens in on my doom every time I'm on the phone, tAlking to anyone what music I listen to, what I'm doing through paper thin walls. And to make it fucking worse he ducking comments about it, like cool I laughed at a YouTube video why are you fucking listening in on shit? I'd like for my fucking phone calls to be personal.
My only friends I really talk to are through the phone because now it's not just internet friends that live far away it's all of them. So of course I'm on the ducking phone. I didn't choose to move n the middle of Kentucky by the highwayman smashed in between farmland. It's creepy I was never asked why I was on the phone before or who I was talking to.
If he wasn't abusive three years wouldn't be close enough for me to be okay with touch.
Oh but he's got a god damn penis so he's fucking entitled to whatever he wants and he knows better then everyone else because he's a man. Fuck you.
I'm tired of having panic attacks because you scream at me or intimidate me or even threaten me in public situations and god it's fucking embarrassing and humiliating because everyone sees.
I'm tired of always being told I guess you're right this time or a genuine answer being discredited because I'm a women and a child.
I wish I was happy for Christmas and I wasn't choking on my own breath when I have to get up in an hour because some fucking monster lives in our home and ruins all three of our lives and even though I'm trying to pretend my anxieties overwhelming.
I fucking hate you.
You've borderline ruined so many things.
You're this close to ruining one of the few things I've cherished.
You've told me for months on end I hate one of the few things I look forward to every year. Because you're a fucking psychotic prick who's mental state is still dangerous to others it's just a ticking time bomb.
You've made my already terrible life ducking shittier. You're more of an abuser then my god damn mother ever was. I wish you'd just disappear somedays as horrible as it is.
