I want to fucking hang myswlf. I'm tired of feeling so fucking stressed and like I'm always fucking up,
I'm tired of random spurs of being chewed out and then random anxiety attacks I don't know what you want from me. Fucking hell
I'd say I wanna go home but hey that's the root of all my issues, id say I wanna go lay down but I don't He a fucking bed to lay in right now.
I don't wanna go to school
I don't wanna go home
I'm so nervous about fucking growing up I don't even know why I attempt to work for anything
I'm not gonna succeed
I'm not gonna be happy
I'm gonna die alone, I'm gonna fuck everything up or live in fear of fucking up, I'm gonna be constantly chastised the longer I live in that fucking house.
Mistake after mistake, if I've even done anything wrong is up to actual debate, I do everything I'm asked and then some and I get hounded for small things.
My mom doesn't give a flying fuck about me or who I am as a person, she missed on most of my fucking life and she insults me or worse or always gets into me, and it's not even a parenting thing it's more
Like she gets genuine amusement out of our separation or our distress which isn't a great parent. It's only convenient for her, that's when she's fucking kind.
I wanna slam my head against the wall
I wanna lay in the middle of the road and get hit by a god damn truck.
I hate being here
I hate breathing I hate people I hate everyone and everything I come into contact to, shit doesn't get much better, and frankly it's never going to,
I don't see why I bother,
I don't see why it fucking matters what I do
It won't mean anything a year from now or two years from now . Regardless of what I do I'll die. And that doesn't seem so bad I fucking hate life
I didn't ask to be born I don't see why I'm entitled to live it
I'm not talented like I thought I was when I was younger, my support that I thought I had when I was younger is gone, I don't have a great family, I'm not as smart as I thought I was or I just lost any ounce of effort to care like I did when I was younger, regardless, I'm a fucking retard now
I'm a fucking train wreck, what do I even kid myself? When was the last time I experienced something and felt true happiness? When was the last time I laughed around someone and it wasn't entirely falsified from the sheer result of convincing myself I care about things when I really don't.
I'm living a lie, I convince myself I care about people and things and I don't, I don't care if everything around me died any time I feel genuine happiness it gets fucking crushed. Any genuine emotion I feel gets fucking destroyed and makes me anxious and I'm still kept up at night from memories of trusting people or experiencing things I would rather have never felt anything for anyone or anything then to feel the agonising pain that comes with it. Because it always bites me in the ass.
I always feel indifferent or confused or upset in the end, so I don't want to seek out companionship or task risks when I know it'll hurt me deeply in the end.
I just don't understand why I've stuck around this long.
I think I'm a coward because I know there's nothing keeping me fucking grounded.
I hate my mother
I hate going home
I hate People
I just want to curl up into a hole and die.
