I really hate everything. to be blunt. I always have. Nothing gets better and somehow everything gets miraculously worse... I dont know what to do these days. I dont know where the expectation for me is anymore because I feel like everything I'm capabale of means so very little in the scheme of everything.
Countless of my relationships are dying and I am starting to acknowledge the fact there is no longer anything I can do about it.
My family as it has always been is incredibly fucked up. I dont know how I manage to convince myself once again to open up the door ino my home.
When I was younger I would always ask myself, what would happen one day if I just... didn't. If i just walked away from here would I find somewhere better? Could I walk around til I'd inevitably die of exhaustion? I debated stuff of that sort back in my seventh grade year constantly. Thats really when my brain became clogged with these thoughts of perishing was
Why do we value death the way we do. Death is mercy.
Death is mercy against an unforgiving God who I'm convinced doesn't exist and if he does I ponder why he's cursed our world with so much incessant suffering.. amusment? indifference?
I dont care if I wind up in hell forever I'm convinced it's better than here.
and lets be honest
By No means am I a good person
Fuck.
I would not even dare to call me a decent one anyway.
If hell does exist Ill go there regardless of if I still believed in some fake message of hope we use to praise ourselves and make us feel protected against forces we're powerless against
But thats how I see the world
And albeit fucked up, it's important to know my world is fucked up.
I wish i had something to smile about still but I feel as if I've lost most my joy
I can't look at Stuck in the chaos as easily as I would like to admit to.
It has gotten very hard to look at this thing I dreamed of creating for years. That I built upon and worked on for years.
This thing that I created with the help of someone I cared about fell part the day they stopped caring.
I hate it.
I loved this thing so much I dreamed of cresating this thing- this wonderful thing that was my idea my dream my one goal to do with my life has been entirely demolished.
I love it so much, i love the world I delicately crafted together but it is painful. When it shouldn't be.
This was everything I wanted to create, and I've spent months watching my hope for that die just like anything else I hoped for.
Like everything else that was going so well it somehow ceased to matter or developed this incredibly negative aspect to it.
I cry alot, I wish I would stop crying for a moment but I cant bring myself to stop.
Theres just to many things to pity about myself I suppose
I want to be happy. I want to lead a happier life, but I just dont know who I am or how to get to where I want to be.
But I think I want to stop feeling like shit at the root of those believes
I wish things were better
I wish i could ake things better but Im kinda a coward if I admt it and I push people away when i dont want to bum them out.
Or i snap.
Or im just a general asshole.
Theres.. some days where I just really miss you. Where I just would give anything to come home and call you and just.. describe details of my day, a funny story? a bizarre thing at school.
I wish those days didnt go to shit so fast. Theyve been gone so long it feels like a lifetime ago when I last heard your voice. But it was, because its a part of my life i moved away from.
I just wish Id handled ending it off better.. maybe things could've had a happier ending if I wasnt such an idiot.
It kinda hurts to be honest.
I dont like being alone.
I dont like cutting off ties to people it scares me like nothing else.
And Latley Ive just missed my dad.. I dont know why I think I recall when he tried to be a good person. I recall that fall and going out for milkshakes at ten pm and watching Tv
it hurts now to think of the bittersweet memory of a chilling peppermint milkshake on a
chilling night.
Because it was agood memory. And that person I had that good memory with moved miles away because he just didnt care enough.
And.. thats really hard.
My mom doesnt even hear a word I say to her anymore. Shes too busy doing god knows what.. she doesnt feel like a mm should.. she just hasnt been around long enough to.
Its very odd.
And I hate it very much
Because Im conscientious to the fact that its dysfunctional, even now nothing is functioning in this house. But for a few brief months about a year ago.. I believed it couldve
My stupidity is almost humorous reflecting back on it.
Im a piece of shit I guess, and Ill live a shitty life til the day I die where I wont accomplish shit. Just like everyone around me Ill break eventually, and fuck everything up.
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