I should've never talked to you. I should've never fucking spoken to you, I'm single handedly responsible for ruining your entire life and I'm extremely sorry. If you never met me you'd be fucking fine right now. If we never talked you wouldn't feel like something you should've never had was missing. We should've never developed like this and I'm so sorry. We should've never fucking met and god knows how much I fucked up, and how much of your life I probably fucked up. I mean that when I say I'm really sorry. Because at some point I did care, and some days I do still care. I shouldn't because I shouldn't know you, I shouldn't have met you I shouldn't have let all these things happened. God knows I'm trying to fix so many things now and somehow, you're the only thing I can't fix. It's not like part of me doesn't wanna say hi daily or try to help like I used to, but truth be told it's not my place to help you, and it's not your place to help me. It started to be at some point and well- that's bad. Because that changed and royally fucked up so many things, some things I barely fixed, some things I still can't fix. The past year has been so filled with trying to fix everything I spent three years fucking up and I've thought about the person I royally fucked up on a lot lately. I dont miss you anymore because I've come to terms with the fact we weren't supposed to do this. It hurt at first, I just hope it doesn't hurt you.
I wish I knew when you were hurting still, when you were in those bad places but I don't because despite every fucked up thing about me that doesn't quite make sense, it's not my job. And it's sad, and I hate it but you're not my responsibility but that doesn't mean I wish you weren't. It doesn't mean I don't want the best for you because this should be the best for you, you're someone elses and it just. It set off so many things and I wish I could tell you how many things it fucked up but I can't because you'd either not believe me or it'd be too hard to explain. And I'm sorry, I'm really really sorry, we shouldn't have talked as much we shouldn't have connected like that it shouldn't have happened. I wish I'd killed myself back then because leaving you right then would've been easier then trying to repair every mistake I'd made. And yeah it's doable but it's hard and I think us or what we used to be rather is the biggest thing because in all reality there's no way to fix something that shouldn't have happened once it's happened. It existed
