For Forever (Evan X Connor)

Chapter 13

"Hey you," Connor came up and kissed my cheek from behind me. I feel my entire body tingle just from the small gesture.

"Heyy," I whispered back at him. I knew that Jared was going to come and make fun of us any second. I don't usually enjoy a lot of PDA, but usually just at school.

"How is my 2 favourite gays?" Jared said, almost as if my thoughts summoned him. "We're fine thanks Jared." I said. I don't know why I was feeling particularly anxious today. It usually gets worse around this time of year, but I've never really looked too deep into it.

I threw my winter coat on and a hat, and I looked over to see Connor still only in his thin black jacket that he always wears. "Babe, I swear you're going to catch a cold or something.. at least take my mitts." I said softly and handed him my light blue fuzzy gloves. "Only if it makes you satisfied." He said and kissed my hand before putting the gloves on.

Jared, Connor and I all walked back to my house. After Connor found out that Jared had helped me with the whole art gallery thing, he has viewed Jared in a completely different light. So have I really. He's become more observant of how what he says affects people and I couldn't be more grateful for that. He really was a funny guy, even if I would never admit that to him.

I'm staring up at the evergreen trees as we walk back when all of a sudden I feel someone push me hard into the snow. I look up and see Connor and Jared high fiving and laughing. My eyes go blurry and my breath starts to quicken. I stand up and brush the snow off of me and run the rest of the way home, not checking if they were following me.

I reach the house and run into my bathroom and lock the door. I start to cry, and not just a tear or two but like, sincerely cry. I couldn't breathe, and I don't know why I'm doing this. I search the cupboards for my extra medication, not wanting to leave the cool tile floor. I couldn't find any and I just slam the drawer closed and sit on the floor bawling.

I start to do what I'm supposed to do when I'm anxious. Find 4 things I see, 3 things I feel, 2 things I hear, and 1 thing I smell. I take in a deep breath and start listing the things in a small whisper. "Mirror, toilet, shower, tooth brush." I take in another breath, "jeans, tiles, and hat" one more breath , " the tap dripping and-" I stop my list when I hear my front door open.

"Evan?" I hear Connor say lightly. I know that he heads straight for my bedroom. I hear him open the door and check every where. Next I hear Jareds voice "He is here for sure, there's wet shoe prints" oh shoot.

As soon as it came out of his mouth he ran towards the bathroom door. "Evan please, let us talk to you." He said with regret laced in his voice.
I didn't answer.

I couldn't stop thinking about how it felt when Connor pushed me the first day of school. I couldn't stop thinking about how Jared was just using me to get car insurance money. I couldn't stop myself from thinking that it didn't matter it I was here or not. I didn't matter.

"Hey, sweetie please come out. I'm really really sorry." Connor said. I could tell he was sitting against the door but I didn't want to see either of them.

"Please Evan. I love you." He said softer. I knew that he wouldn't lie to me about that. Im one of the only people he has ever said that to. Why did it feel so unbelievable this time?

"I just need to be alone." I said defeated. Being alone was the last thing that I needed but it was the only thing I felt I deserved. If I was alone I wouldn't be bothering anyone. If I wasn't here anymore I wouldn't be bothering anyone.

My eyes go wide as soon as that thought comes into my head. I haven't really had thoughts like that in a long time. I started to sob silently and I found myself unlocking the bathroom door.