I Guess So || Luke Brooks

Speed Dial ➼ .26

I awoke to the smell of dampness. I looked over at Luke who was still asleep, giggling every now and then in his slumber.

Next to me was nothing but him, which is why I'd jumped through my soul when I saw nothing but my pile of clothes which I thought was something else. I let out a sigh and got off the bed, yet again scaring myself in the mirror. It was all black in the room, and all you could see in the mirror was the shadow-like outline of my body.

I walked through the house with caution, feeling like something was washing over me. Like something watching me, even.

I came to the large sliding door that separates the house from the patio. It was foggy and rainy. Not that it was raining, it was just gloomy outside, like it was about to rain.

"What are you doing?" said a whisper. I jumped around  to see nothing but Jai.

"If you ever scare the shit out of me like that again I swear that's the day you wish 911 was on speed dial."

"Hmm. I've done that before." he said. He looked pale in the moonlight. His eyes were heavy and his arms were folded, the rest of him leaning against the corner of a wall. He was only feet away from me. But what worried me most,

Was his voice. His expression.

Lifeless. Emotionless. Blank.

But what scared me most of all tonight...

Was how much he both looked and sounded like me.

"Jai.."

"Hmm?"

"Come here." I said pulling a chair from the close by dinning room next to the glass door. "Sit."

"No, you sit." he said softly. "You look like you're about to tip over."

"If that's what I look like now then you haven't looked in the mirror." I responded. I grabbed his hand and sat him down.

"Why are you so pale?" I said, the back of my hand pressing against his cheek. All he did was shrug and shift his eyes to the door.

"Jai c'mon what's wrong?" I said, kneeling down to look up at him with my hands still on his face.

"Nothing. It's my face."

"I know that excuse like the back of my hand, and because well, that's actually how my face truly is but stiil." I said.

 The room was silent, too silent. All until he broke it.

"The way you and Luke are.'

'W-what?" I choked. He let out a sigh through his nostrils and continued.

"You found out about me and Ariana tonight, and that's cool. But do you know the rest? About how we have to stay apart? How I can't look into her deep brown eyes and tell her how much I love her..? Everything I see reminds me of us, and it's hurting."

At this point I absolutely knew it was all real.

"Luke and I aren't.. dating."

"There's a lie."

"Ask him yourself."

His eyes widened a slight bit. "Why not?"

'I- We, cant afford it. I don't know his reason to much but, I know mine pretty damn well."

"Which is?"

I couldn't help but sigh, knowing it'd be free now. The ugly truth that no one knew, and I'd be there in the darkness telling Jai all about it. How all the pain wasn't going to leave, how now I'd never have my gates open again.

"I won't te-"

"A year ago I caught my ex-boyfriend in bed with my mother." I cut him off. I had never said the words aloud, and I let it all sink in. My mother swore she'd do better. She'd stop going out and sleeping around, needing to take pregnancy tests every week or so. I remember how they both chased after me as I flipped the house upside down. I let the curtains burn, too.  I'd felt betrayed, and since then alone. Not depressed, there was nothing to be depressed over. The was anger and rage. I lost respect for everyone that day, and only few have managed to earn it back. I came off great. I gave no fucks, I couldn't careless about anything or anyone. I was shut off.

But then I met Luke.

"It makes sense now." he whispered. "Don't even explain it more. I understand."

"Do you?"

"I'll try."

"If I let Luke in.. He won't be able to get out, and I'll just believe that I'm okay. But he's just a table cloth covering the actual table, which is my true state. I feel like he doesn't need me, like I don't deserve him. Like I can't possibly be his. Whenever I wake up next to him, you don't know how hard it is not to straddle him and just clutch him to me. It's like you want them to engulf you. He's absolutely amazing and no doubt in hell is he perfect, from the inside out. But I'm the total opposite. Internally, gloomy and harsh cold things feed off of me. I can't let him in. I just can't."

:Well you better start now, because he's gonna be there no matter what, but I think we're all a little scared you won't." He replied, face cold and pleading. I got up and embraced him, the tight hug being returned.

"Alice we all love you, especially Luke. And if we went back to not knowing you, we'd lose one of our bestfriends."

" I love you guys too, so much." I squeezed. They were all keepers. Every single one of them. All five.

They were my brothers, my best friends, and one of them was even more.

I'd be mending soon,

I could feel it,