the good girl

fourteen: broken glass.

chapter eleven of the good girl.
"broken glass."

Millie's POV.

It was 5:10 and I was nearly at Finn's house. I had no idea what he was going to say to me but i was scared. I think I should tell him how I feel. Wether he excepts it or not.

I turned the corner, and even though it was a fairly warm day, I still managed to notice the goosebumps that had raised on my skin. And for the first time, I couldn't tell if that was generally because it was cold, or because every single vein in my body is pulsating maniacally.

And there I was, walking up his front drive. But then I stopped. Because through the thin walls of Finn Wolfhard's complex, there was a couple of voices. "Don't you want me anymore? What has she got that I haven't? We have a past Finn. We have a future. Isn't that what you always wanted?" I had heard.

And suddenly this had switched off something inside my head that I should peak through the small window, besides the door. And then I saw him.
He was there. And he was kissing her like he had never kissed me.

"Finn?" I had whispered. And god I think I could feel my heart shatter. I could feel it like broken glass inside my ribcage, tearing me up from the inside out.

He had heard me. Because I saw his head pelt round to where I was standing outside his window. And then I began to stumble backwards, I needed to get away from this. My eyes were brimming with tears but no, I was not going to cry. Not for him. Not ever. Or... not now at least.

So this was me, swallowing my pride, standing in front of his house and wishing that I could turn it all back around. Wishing that I hadn't gotten up this morning and wishing god this was al just a bad dream.

"Millie!" I heard. And then I looked up from the ground. He was standing there, at his door frame. I could see the remorse in his eyes but at this very moment I haven't any care for how he was feeling. This was about me, about how I was feeling and I hadn't even come to terms with the fact that I was just five minutes ago, going to confess my undeniable love for this boy and now i just wished he was dead.

"No." I said to him. "No excuses."

"Now I know that I was right. I was just another notch on your belt." I said. And then I turned and I walked away.

And he didn't say or do anything. He just stood there. He fishy call me or run after me and maybe if he had i would've let him. But it was too late now.

-

I sit up in bed. My eyes are puffy and red from tears and I promised I wouldn't do this to myself but I just couldn't help it. My baby blue pad lays on my lap as I flip through the pages.

I read the poems I wrote. I haven't written for quite a long time.

I'm jealous of the morning sun
Who gets to be the first to see you
Or the coffee cup
Who gets to kiss your sleepy lips awake

Wow I was so naive.

A deeper conversation is all want from you. I want the words you're afraid to say- The lonely ones you keep hiding in between the folds of your heart.

We're so distracted about how things'll end, we usually forget how beautiful the beginning was.

Why are all my poems about love?

She's in the clouds,
Heavy and dark,
Waiting to rain down

I saw in your eyes that you hate the world. I hate it, too.

I skip to a new page and begin to write.

You never said I'm leaving,
You never said goodbye.
You were gone before I woke up.
Not even god knew why.
A million times I've needed you,
A million times I'll cry.
If love alone could've saved you,
You'd of looked me in my eye,
And told me that you needed me,
I'm sick of playing I-spy.

I closed the book roughly as tears escaped my eyes.
As I repeated,

A million times I'll cry.

-

Finn's POV

I sat in biology class quietly.
For once. Millie's favourite lesson.
But I had other things on my mind, such as:

Where was she?
Was she ok?

The bell rung loudly, signalling the end of class.

Millie's POV

I need to suck it up, stop being stupid. Yes, Finn did kiss another girl, yes it's upsetting. But, however, I'm the good girl. I may not be the girl everyone wants me to be, but at least I'm not the girl that everyone's had.

It was getting late and I was in deep thought. It's weird how 'fat' is usually the first insult a girl throws at another girl when she wants to hurt her. I mean, is 'fat' really the worst thing a human being can be? Is 'fat' worse than 'vindictive', 'jealous', 'shallow', 'vain', 'boring' or 'cruel'?It utterly kills me knowing that, it makes me feel so low, sometimes I think to myself: At least it can't get any worse. But it can! It can get worse! As long as you can say you hit rock bottom, you haven't. Also have you noticed that when you hand over a new pen to someone for them to try, the first thing they usually write is their own name?

We do this on misted car windows, on frosted glass, etched on tables, carved into trees.Wether it's our initials, or our names.

I guess we all share a common fear:
The fear of being forgotten. I guess my fear is falling in love. So am I?
Am I falling in love? With Finn?

-

I finally updated. Also thanks to everyone that was here for me through out this. Sorry you guys had to see me in my rough patch. I'm getting better now and I love you all! Xx

Also I hope you like this chapter and it makes up for my absence, since I fucking hate it.

- Tee