Speak Up // Lams

Chapter 17

tw: eating disorders
• Alex's POV •

Ah, school. I try not to think about it for many reasons.

The first reason being that as a mute kid in all AP classes, it's so hard to make a spot for myself. A lot of the kids think I'm there because the school pities me. In truth, it's because I'm constantly working and studying and trying to keep my grades at a 100% because I'm trying to make up for the little education in my past.

The second being the bullies. They torment me and I can't fight back because I have no muscle and no strength to fight back. I just want to scream at them to stop and to leave me alone, but I can't. They tease me for dating John and they tell me that I'm worthless. Yeah, I already know that bullies, thanks for reminding me.

John doesn't know about the bullying. They always stop when he comes near us. They pretend like they're my friends, that they're just fooling around. They act all fake-nice to John. I don't plan on telling him though. I know he'd get upset with the bullies and probably at me for not telling him sooner.

I sigh as I take my books out of my locker and walk to English upstairs. I look down and try to hide in my stack of textbooks and notebooks when I spot Thomas Jefferson stalling towards me, a smirk in his face. I try to run up the steps but get stops when he lifts me up by the back of my shirt.

"Hey there, little guy. Trying to run away without a fight?" He asked. I squeezed my eye shut and looked away, grabbing my books so tight that my knuckles were going white.

Thomas kneed me in the stomach a couple of times, and I cringe, hearing a loud crack. He slams me against the wall and I try not to cry. He hits me more when I cry.

"I'm going to let you off easy today, bastard. Just a couple kicks and some insults, then you can run off to your stupid nerd class, ok?" I nod quickly and he grins sickly in response. He hits me a few more times, on both sides of my face so it just looks like I'm blushing. The slaps make my cheeks bright red. He spits insults as he does so, the drops me to the ground.

"Go!" He yells, and I do.

Just a day in the life of Alexander Hamilton. I deserve it.

I mean, I'm too fat for one. I'm surprised Thomas can even pick me up every day. He insults my weight. I'm sixteen and I weight 95 pounds. John says I'm way too skinny but I don't believe him. I think I have too much skin on my bones, too much fat. My stomach seems huge and my cheeks are puffy and fat, just like the whole rest of my face. I'm fat and ugly.

Thomas tells me not to eat. He tells me I should make myself puke every time I eat so that I can eat without gaining weight. So that's what I do. I believe what he says about me being fat, and I'm afraid that if I don't do what he says, he'll hit me more.

John doesn't know I'm starving myself. John doesn't know that every time I eat, I go to the bathroom to throw up. John doesn't know that the reason I probably can't talk is because puking so many times probably screwed my throat up. But all relationships have secrets, right? It'll be worth it in the end. I'll be super skinny and way more attractive to John.

I sit down in English and begin the assignment written neatly on the board, trying to focus on writing my paper rather than the squeezing hunger in my stomach.

There's always the vending machine. I think to myself, but as soon as I do, I shut myself down.

No. You are not allowed to eat. No. Food. Allowed. I think, pinching the fat on my arm as if to show myself the reason I can't eat anything.

It'll all be worth it in the end. I know it will. It will be worth it.