Speak Up // Lams

Chapter 24

tw: eating disorders

• John's POV •

No, no, no, no! I knew this was going to happen, this what I didn't want to have happen! Oh God, what do I do?

Stupidly, I don't call an ambulance. I realized later on that I should've, but I didn't. I lifted Alex up off the floor, which wasn't very he'd given he was just over 90 pounds, and I carried him to my car.

Carefully setting him in the front seat and buckling him in, I tried to calm myself down as I turned on the car. My hands were trembling and I could barely feel my heart beating since it was going that fast.

I practically sped the whole way to the hospital, parking haphazardly and rushing to get Alex out of the passengers seat. I carried him in through the entrance of the Urgent Care wing and the desk worker looked up at me with a smile, which dropped when she saw me holding Alex.

"Sir, whats going on?" She asked, standing up and rushing over, yelling out for a doctor to get a stretcher.

"He refuses to eat and I found him forcing himself to throw up what he had eaten. I think he's malnourished and I don't know what to do. We were just sitting there and then I realized he was unconscious." I explained, my voice trembling. A doctor ran over to us and helped me set Alex on the rolling bed, and quickly rushed him to a room. The desk lady stopped me when I tried to follow him.

"I'm sorry sweetheart, but you're going to have to wait a little while, alright? I'll make sure to have the doctors tell you as soon as you can go in and see him, okay?" She said, leading me to a row of empty chairs next to a table stacked full of magazines. I nodded mindlessly and sat down, trying to calm down my racing heart and shaking hands.

It was probably an hour and about three celebrity gossip magazines later that I was approached by a doctor.

"Hi, were you the one who brought in Mr Hamilton?" He asked me. I nodded and stood up.

"Can I see him?" I asked nervously. The doctor smiled at me and nodded, ushering me with him. He stopped my for a moment just before I went inside.

"Oh, and just so you know, he wouldn't talk to us at all. He refused to. The only way we found out his name was through a nurse who knew sign language. If he doesn't talk to you, don't be worried." The doctor said. I almost laughed, remembering how I didn't tell anyone he's mute.

"I, um, forgot to mention this when I brought him in but he's mute. Sorry if it caused problems of anything." I said sheepishly, rubbing my neck. The doctor laughed a little bit and told me it was fine, then opened the door to let me in.

Alex was hooked up to multiple machines and IV's, which I assumed were giving him nutrients and food, which he obviously needed. He was staring at one of the tubes, which must've been the main feeding tube.

"Hey, how're you feeling?" I said, sitting in the chair by his bed. He shook his head and when he looked at me there were tears in his eyes.

John, they're putting food in me. I can't get rid of it. I'm going to gain weight and get fat! Can't we just leave? Please, I really don't want to be here and I'm going to be all gross and fat by the time they say I can go and I really don't want that. John, I'm going to be disgusting and ugly and gain weight and you won't love me anymore. Please, tell them to let me go. He signed frantically. My heart dropped to my stomach. Even after all this, he still thinks he's fat or going to be fat.

"Alexander, you could never be disgusting. You could never be ugly or gross or fat. You're literally in the hospital because you got so skinny that you passed out. And anyways, they wouldn't let you leave. That's super unsafe." I said, placing my hand on his. He ripped it away from mine.

Why did you have to bring me here? Just because I passed out doesn't mean I was going to die. I'm fine, John! And I'm almost to my goal, I only had a few more pounds left to lose. I'm totally fine, look! He signed. He tried to get up out of the bed but with all the wires he couldn't. That, and I pushed him down as gently as I could to keep him from getting up.

He tried to push away my arms for a while, attempting to slap them off of him. It didn't hurt since he was so light and didn't have much strength. It hurt me to see him trying to get me away from him.

Eventually he stopped fighting and laid down, facing towards the wall so he didn't have to look at me.

"Alex." I said, trying to get him to look at me.

"Alex. I'm sorry?" I tried after I got no response the first time. Still, no reaction. I tried a third time.

"Alexander, please!" I said, begging him at this point. He turned over with a scowl on his face and he threw his arms up as if he was asking 'what'. I sighed and ran my hands through my hair.

"I brought you here because I'm really, really scared for you. I don't want to lose you and I feel like this whole thing is slowly pushing us apart. I love you, and I hate seeing you upset but you desperately need food and nutrients. And I hate to say this but we're going to have to take you somewhere to get real help for this soon because it's literally destroying you. I love you no matter what, Alexander. And you are not fat or ugly or anything. I think you're beautiful." I said. His scowl let up and he let me wrap him in my arms while he just nodded. I don't know which part of my speech it was in response to but he agreed with me about something at least.

I let Alex relax for a little while so I could text Usnavi what was going on. He was going to come visit in a little bit.

For the time being, I also looked up group therapy type places for eating disorders. I knew Alex would despise me if he caught me searching it, but I needed to help him.

I need to.