Speak Up // Lams

Chapter 23

tw: eating disorders

- John -

I woke up to sun streaming on my face and my own personal ray of sunshine still sleeping next to me. I rolled over to kiss his cheek and stood with a sigh. He was up way too late last night and everything going on with him was taking a toll on both of us.

I accidentally fell asleep lying in bed last night while I was in my phone. I was waiting for Alexander to come in and hopefully tell me that he had eaten the food, but I woke up alone at 3 in the morning and found him curled up in the kitchen chair, fast asleep. I carried him back to the room and went back to see if he'd eaten.

He didn't.

I opened the fridge as I walked into the kitchen and tried to ignore the box I had put back in there from yesterday. Not a single thing was touched by him. Not even a piece of lettuce from the burger. Absolutely nothing. I remembered sitting where he had been and staring at that box last night, until I let my emotions get the best of me and I broke down.

I'm so scared for him. I'm terrified. When I carried him last night, he literally felt like he weighed nothing. It's not safe and while he thinks it is, it's not healthy.

I start to make breakfast, pancakes and bacon. Alex told me before we started dating that he loved pancakes and when he first moved in with Usnavi they would have them every Saturday. Speaking of Usnavi, maybe he'd be able to help me with this whole thing. After all, Alex is his cousin.

I scroll through my social media's as I waited for the food to cook. I sent Usnavi a text just before I finished, asking if I could come talk to him. He told me absolutely, and to come down anytime.

I put the food on a plate and scribbled a note on a Post-It for Alex.

My Dear Alexander,

Don't panic that I'm not here. I went downstairs to talk to Usnavi real quick and then I'm going to the store to get more food. I made pancakes and bacon and I would absolutely love it if you tried to eat. I'm not forcing you, just asking. I know yesterday was difficult and I know you didn't eat anything. But we're going to do this together. I promise.

Love always, John <3

Satisfied with my note, I crept back into our room and stuck the note to his phone so he'd see it as soon as he woke up.

Then, I slipped out of the apartment, closing the door gently so I didn't accidentally slam it and scare Alex awake. I walked down the stairs to the second floor and texted Usnavi that I was almost there. Moments later, I was in his apartment as he greeted me.

"John! It's been too long. How are you, how is Alex doing?" He asked with a smile. I couldn't help but smile back. Usnavi, much like Alex, always had confidence and joyfulness to spread to others. It was the mood booster I didn't know I needed.

"I'm doing fine. It's actually Alex that I wanted to talk about..." I began. Usnavi's face fell slightly and we went to sit on his couch.

"What happen to mi primo?" He asked, a worried look on his face as he unknowing switched to Spanish. Explaining the whole situation, the look only became more distressed.

"Alex necesita comer! Yo no quiero perder él. Esto es malo." He said, still in Spanish. I thought back to my mother and my past years of taking the class and figured out what he said.

"Alex needs to eat! I don't want to lose him. This is bad."

"I know. That's why I came to talk to you. I mean, he's your cousin so I thought maybe you would know how to help?" I asked hopefully. Usnavi's face showed an unreadable expression and he shrugged, giving up.

"I have no idea. I wish there was something I knew how to do for him but I've never dealt with anything like this. When was the last time he ate?" He asked me. I shook my head as I attempted to think back. He ate yesterday but then threw up, and that had been going on for a while.

"I honestly don't know. I feel like the worst boyfriend in the universe. I can't believe I didn't notice sooner..." I said. Usnavi shook his head.

"No, John. Nobody knew what was going on, nobody caught any of it. None of us saw what he was doing. But at least we caught it before something really bad happened, right?" He said. I nodded and ran my hand through my curls.

"Yeah. I'm just terrified I guess." I admitted with a sigh. He nodded to show he felt the same and we talked for a little while longer about how we could get him to eat.

"But I mean... if worst comes to worst, you might need to take him to a hospital. They could help him there if we can't." He said towards the end of our conversation.

"I was really hoping it wouldn't get that bad but I might need to do that soon. If he doesn't eat within the next two days I'll take him. That gives me time to try to get him to gain a little weight and have an adjustment period as well." I said in agreement, wrapping up the visit.

I went to the store to pick up some of the foods I knew were Alex's favorites and went home, eager to get back and hopefully see him devouring the pancakes I'd left him.

But no. I walked in at probably the most heartbreaking time, at least to me. I saw that about half of the pancakes and bacon were gone, but I could hear the noises of Alex forcing himself to throw up from our bathroom.

Silently putting the groceries in the fridge, I wrapped up the pancakes and walked to the door of the bathroom. I knocked softly and the noises stopped.

The door unlocked and I opened it to see Alex sitting on the bathroom floor, face pale as a ghost and covered in sweat. He had his head in his arms and he looked like he wanted to cry, throw up, or fall asleep all at the same time.

"Oh, Alex..." I said softly, my voice breaking a little bit. I flushed the vomit from the toilet and pulled him into my arms. He just laid there, unmoving for a long time, letting me hold him while we sat on the cold tile.

"Alexander, I'm so proud of you for eating those pancakes. But you shouldn't have made yourself throw up. It's really bad for your stomach and your throat and it defeats the purpose of eating." I muttered to him. He didn't even look up, didn't move to look at me. I could feel his soft breaths against me but he didn't show any signs of response.

That's when I realized that the whole time I'd been holding him, he was unconscious.