Speak Up // Lams

Chapter 25

tw: eating disorders

• Alex's POV •

Just because John said I wasn't fat doesn't mean it's true.

I'm still ugly and gaining weight and they won't let me leave this stupid place so there's nothing I can do about it. I don't need these stupid doctors help, I don't need anything.

John told me Usnavi was coming to visit in a few minutes. I didn't want to see anyone right now. I knew soon enough Maria and Peggy would come to visit and so would Laf and Hercules. Then they'd all see what a failure I am and how fat I am because they keep putting this stupid feeding tube in me. And I can't protest against it because I can't talk!

John was typing and scrolling on his phone, but I couldn't see the screen. He's probably texting everyone how I was such an idiot as to end up in the hospital for malnutrition.

I heard the door click open and I saw Vanessa and Usnavi walk inside, both with sad eyes. I almost wanted to pretend to be asleep so they would just leave, but I can't do that, not to my cousin and his girlfriend, who I considered family by now.

"Hey guys." John said, standing up from his place next to me in the bed to greet them. I simply waved, not even bothering to force a smile onto my face.

"Pobre Alex! Cómo estás?" Vanessa said, rushing over to me with Usnavi on her heels, looking worried. I help my hand up in a thumbs up sign and Usnavi gave me a look.

"That is a lie." He said, touching my shoulder. He cringed as he felt the bones protruding and poking out. I looked away, knowing my cousin, who I looked up to greatly, was disappointed in me. What a shock there, am I right? All I do is disappoint people, I shouldn't be surprised.

I shook my head to indicate that it wasn't a lie. I don't want him to worry about me, he doesn't need that extra stress in his life.

"Make sure you let us know if you need anything, alright?" He asked, patting my hand. I nodded, knowing that deep down inside I wouldn't admit to needing anything.

They talked to John for a couple minutes before Usnavi got a call from another one of his cousins, Sonny. Apparently something was up at the store and he had to go check it out, so soon enough it was just me and John again.

"Will you hear me out on something?" John asked after a few minutes, breaking the silence. I nod, confused but willing to listen to him. His voice is smooth and calming, so I'm always willing to listen to him.

"I think the doctors are probably going to make sure of it, but we have to get you help for this. I know you really don't want to do that but we need to. I've been researching some programs around us and they have a couple of good places here in South Carolina. But I also found a few out-of-state ones that might be better. In fact, there's this one in New York City that's rated as one of the best in the country for eating disorder help. I don't want to push this on you because I know being near Usnavi and school is important, but just remember that no matter what we do I'll be right there by your side." He said. I took in a deep breath as I replayed what he had said in my mind.

New York City? That's such a long way from South Carolina. And it's a lot colder too, especially this time of year. I'm from the Caribbean, I can hardly take what they consider cold weather here, and its not even that bad! In New York they have snowstorms and ice and its such a big city. I don't do all that well in big places... bad memories.

New York? Was all I signed in response, figuring the expression on my face would cover the rest of my shock and emotions. John nodded.

"It wouldn't be permanent, just a couple months. But then again, we'd need to figure out details and such. And as for the Schuyler's and Hercules and Laf and Usnavi, there's always FaceTime and texting. School would be a little more complicated, but they have certain programs. I know Mr Washington would be fine with it all." John said. My head was practically spinning at this point.

How could he even come up with this idea? It's insane! We just rented and moved into an apartment, we're finally getting settled in and now he wants to just up and leave for months on end so I can go to some special hospital that's just going to magically "cure" whatever people keep saying is wrong with me? Is it really that bad to want to be skinnier?

I hid all these emotions though, and tried to push them deep beneath the surface. I simply shrugged and signed that I'd think about it and we could deal with it later.

Faking tiredness, I curled up into his chest and closed my eyes, trying to figure out what exactly was going to happen and what was wrong with me.

The answer to the first is still unknown, but the second?

Everything, so it seems.