Speak Up // Lams

Chapter 26

tw: eating disorders

- John -

I released a breath I hadn't known I was holding as Alex fell asleep, curled up next to me. I just want to help him and he doesn't want help. But as difficult as it is for me, I know it a hundred times more difficult for him.

I just want to be a good boyfriend. I want to make him happy and make him believe that he's beautiful, because he is. I love him with all of my heart but sometimes I feel like he doesn't see it.

Funny enough, Alex is the one in our relationship who has a way with words. I find that really humorous because he doesn't even speak yet somehow he conveys his metaphorical words into both typed writing and signing in the absolute most gorgeous way.

He writes all the time. And reads, too. It's a pretty much one hundred percent guarantee that when you can't find him, he's off somewhere typing or reading a book. It's a habit of his that I've grown used to, and grown to love.

Maybe I should try it, writing that is. I'm not the best at it but I think Alexander needs something to lift his spirits through all this.

Typing out a text for him to see when he wakes up, I tell him I'm running down to the convenience store half a block away and I should be back soon. I sent it to him and quietly creeped out of the bed, telling the doctors that I would be back soon and to let him know in case he didn't see the text.

I walked quickly to the convenience store and looked around for some pens and pencils, and a nice notebook. I also grabbed a couple drinks and snacks for me and him to eat, if I could convince him to.

I settled on a dark blue hardbound notebook, simple but I knew he'd like it. I grabbed a pack of pre sharpened pencils and some colorful pens as well and tossed them in my basket.

I wandered the store for a little while, picking out snacks and small gifts for Alex. There's not many out-of-this-world gifts you can buy at a cheap convenience store, but Alex prefers simplicity.

I checked out and walked back to the hospital as fast as I could, hoping I could get there before he woke up so I could start to write for him.

Luckily, he was still sound asleep in that tiny hospital bed when I got back, so I settled into a chair and began to write.

My Alexander,
You and I both know that you are more eloquent and experienced in writing than I, but I decided I wanted to do something for you. With all the things you have to go through and struggle with in your life, I felt as though you needed to have some place of reassurance and proof that I'm always here for you and I love you with every ounce of my heart. So I'm writing for you.

As I write this first note, we're in a situation I honestly never hoped we would be. You're in a hospital bed fast asleep and I'm in a chair writing notes, and praying for something to come along and show me what to do to help you through this.

For now, I'll just be here for you when you need me and do what you need me to do. And I love you. I don't know how I can express it, it's like... if you took the number of stars in the sky and multiplied it by a million, you wouldn't even have a fraction of how much I love you.

Yours forever,
John

I read through the first note, written in dark blue pen with my very best handwriting. I smiled to myself when I finished scanning through it, proud of myself. I may not be as good of a writer as Alex, but I guess I can pull it off when I have enough passion. I continued to write in the notebook for a while, filling up five or so pages with different notes about how much I love him and different memories we had together. I saw him begin to stir awake so I quickly put everything back in the bag with his other gifts and tied it up so that he couldn't see through the top of it.

I walked back over to the bed and sat with him, kissing the top of his head and his forehead gently so he could wake up in a good mood. I smiled as his eyes fluttered open and he looked up and me, giving me a weak and tired smile in return. I pressed a soft kiss to his lips and he kissed back, melting into it as I ran my hands gently through his hair.

"I love you." I said gently. He nodded and signed it back to me, kissing me again. Suddenly, he pulled away with a more serious look on his face and signed something I definitely did not expect.

I think we should go to New York.