Speak Up // Lams

Chapter 18

• John's POV •

I sit down with my lunch tray at the empty table and wait for Laf and Hercules and everyone else to join me. I haven't seen Alex yet, but I already know he's not going to be here for lunch.

Alex is worrying me a little bit. Scratch that, a lot.

He never comes to lunch anymore. He always makes up an excuse and says he's going to do classwork or something but I know it's just to skip out on lunch.

It seems like everytime I see him, he's skinnier and skinnier. I walked in on him changing the other day and his rib bones were so prominent. He also seemed to obsessively check his weight and go to the bathroom a lot after he eats.

I know that he thinks I don't notice. I know he thinks that I don't hear him throwing up his food on purpose. I know he thinks that I don't notice his pushing food around his plate and just staring off into space.

I sigh to myself and stab a potato cube with my fork. I need Alex to eat. Suddenly, as Laf and Herc walk over with their trays, I get an idea.

"Hey guys, I'm going to find Alex. I probably won't see you until history, but I might be back before the end of lunch." I tell them, receiving confused nods as my answer. I pick up my tray and dash off, looking for Alex.

Ok, so where would he be? I poked my head into the bathroom and he wasn't there. Not in Franklins' classroom, or Adams' either. Maybe Washington?

I walked over to Washington's empty classroom and saw Alex sitting at a desk in the middle of the room, tapping his pencil against the wood of the desk with a blank piece of paper in front of him. Mr Washington wasn't even there.

"Alex?" I said, stepping inside. He jumped at the sudden sound of my voice and smiled softly at me. I walked over and held out the tray to him, and watched his smile slowly fade.

"I'm not hungry. I bought lunch though, you can have it. How are you not hungry?" I asked, sitting next to him. Taking the gentle approach to this so that I don't scare him.

He shook his head and pushed the tray towards me.

You eat it. I'm fine. I had a big breakfast this morning. He wrote on the paper. I frowned, catching his lie. I made a big breakfast this morning and he didn't eat any of it.

"Alex, we live together, I know that's a lie." He froze for a second and shook his head anyways, turning away from me. It hurt a little bit, in all honesty.

"Babe, you need to eat. I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't noticed you've been skipping meals and getting way too skinny!" I urged. He simply shook his head and began to collect his things to leave. I grabbed his wrist gently so he couldn't.

"Alexander. Please sit. Please." I begged. He tried to yank his hand away and I felt my eyes well up with tears. How the hell can I help him if he won't let me help?

"Alex..." I said softly. My last try to get him to talk to me. He shook his head again and walked away as the bell rang.

Well that was just fantastic. I scared my own boyfriend off, I spent my whole lunch trying to get him to eat and failed, and wasted my own food. Why couldn't he just listen and tell me what was going on?

I thought back to little Mary as I sat in the Still-empty classroom. Washington only teaches in the morning so the room is empty during and after lunch. My little sister who was so damn stubborn. Just like Alex.

I remember before my dad kicked me out, a few years back, I took 3 year old Mary to the park. I was pushing her on the swings and halfway through, she insisted we went to the slides instead. I had told her, no, let's just keep playing on the swings a little longer, then the slide. She screamed so loud I thought my eardrums popped. She clawed her way out of that swing seat and jumped out of it, making a mad dash for the slides.

I smiled to myself as I thought of her. She was too young when she died. Just 5. It wasn't fair at all.

We found out that she had leukemia when she was 4. I cried for hours when we got the news. Martha came in my room and cried with me. Mary didn't know what was happening to her, she just knew that she was going to be sick for a while.

And the damn doctors told us she'd live. And instead of paying for her first year of school like we should have had to, we ended up paying for a burial spot and a headstone.

I threw my lunch away and put the tray on Washington's table, then retreated into the corner desk and shut the door. I knew I was going to miss class, but I didn't care at this point.

I pulled out my phone and scrolled through my pictures of Mary. I had a whole folder of them, filled with hundreds of pictures from her birth up until her funeral.

Warm tears were running down my face at this point. Sometimes I would laugh when I saw her and I making funny faces at the camera, but then I'd cry harder. I miss her so much. As much as she was a pain, she was an angelic girl. We were so close.

I didn't go to any of my other classes. I've never skipped before. Alex had texted me during the classes we had together, asking where I was and if I was okay. I can't talk to him right now.

I shouldn't be doing this to him; giving him the silent treatment until he told me what he was dealing with. But I still did it.

And instead of driving my usual path to the apartment, I drove to my old house instead. I need Martha, and whether my dads there or not, I'm going to see her. I just need my sister.

a/n: here's some more angst for you guys. I'm sorry, i feel like all i write nowadays is angst. and for that we can thank my depression and self harm issues. Anywaaaaays yeah here's a sort of long chapter, hope you enjoyed it💕