Speak Up // Lams

Chapter 13

Alexander's POV

After a long day of packing and unpacking, John and I were situated in our new apartment together. Currently, we laid on the couch, me curled into his chest under a blanket, as we watched Netflix. We were watching Rent, and were about halfway through it.

I began to drift in and out of sleep, waking up when John would shift slightly or a loud noise would come from the TV. Since my back was against Johns chest I don't think he knows I keep falling asleep.

I drifted off until the end of the movie, when I was woken up by the last chord of the final song, and I heard John sniffling. I turned around to see him wiping away tears and smiling at me.

"I always cry at the end." He said as I kissed his forehead gently, wiping the rest of his tears away. I don't blame him for crying; the first time I saw Rent I sobbed during multiple parts of it, and I still cry when I watch it. Except it's kind of hard to cry when you're asleep. But oh well.

I'm too tired to sign anything to him so I just tug in his hand and he gets the message of me trying to say that I want to sleep in our bed, not on the couch.

We trudge to the bedroom. I'm wearing a pair of John's old sweatpants, and since I'm so tiny they drag on the floor behind me. Finally I flop onto the bed and burrow into the covers, John crawling in behind me. I flip around and kiss him goodnight, falling asleep almost instantly, but not before feeling him kiss my head softly.

- the next morning -

We moved in on a Friday, so now it was Saturday morning. It was about 8 am when John finally woke up. I had got up at 6, like usual. I was working on unpacking the rest of our boxes while he was asleep and getting breakfast made.

"Hey Alex." I heard John say, his voice gruff and different than usual because he'd just woken up. I smiled and waved a him as he rubbed his eyes, walking over to where I was standing in front of the stove, flipping pancakes.

I kissed him quickly, and blushed a little bit. I still wasn't very used to having someone to love, not after everything in my past. He sat down at the stool at the breakfast bar as I put a few pancakes on two plates and grabbed some fruit from the fridge.

Did you sleep well? I signed to him as we ate, and he nodded. I shrugged when he asked me the same and explained that I don't really sleep in. He looked at me like a mother would at her child when they did something they maybe shouldn't have. I over exaggerated my smile at him to try to distract him from the fact that I got no sleep and we end up bursting out laughing in the end.

"I'm so glad we moved in together. I'm always here for you, ok? Even at 3am when you have a nightmare and I just look too cute to wake up. You can ask me for help." He said, taking my hand.

Over the past few weeks we'd been spending the night together at either the Schuyler's or Usnavi's, not doing anything but just together for comfort.

John had learned about my nightmares, the ones that shook me to my core and destroyed me. For some reason they've become more frequent, but I keep trying to deal with them. I don't want to worry John. 

But one night, I had a really bad one, and I had been sitting on the floor next to the bed where John was asleep, sobbing silently and shaking like a leaf in wind. Apparently I had accidentally woken John up, and he comforted me through it, but was confused when I didn't wake him to help me.

But hey. Maybe they'll get less frequent soon. Maybe it'll all be alright.

a/n: as many of you know, I've been helping my cousin through her recent suicide attempt so I haven't been updating. But I decided to take a little bit of the short amount of free time I had to write some more for you guys. This chapter, or Alex's nightmares at least, are kind of based on my life at the moment. "Moving" (for real in Alex's case, kind of in mine), nightmares and struggling with assuming for help. I constantly am dreaming about my cousin and how much worse everything would be if she succeeded in committing. I've also been having nightmares about my own problems and struggles with self harm and death and suicide. But I'm trying to get through it. Not that it's working, but at least I'm trying.