Speak Up // Lams

Chapter 16

• John's POV •

I feel bad for Alex. He told me how bad he wants to speak and he can't. I hate seeing him break down like this. It hurts me almost as much as it hurts him.

We've decided we're going to visit a speech therapist. Neither of us really know how we're going to manage to pay for it or if it'll even work, but maybe.

I wonder if the reason Alex can't speak is because he had some type of mental block. I know his past is the reason he doesn't talk , so maybe if he got that off his chest to someone? I don't want to push him too soon but it's worth a try...

"Hey, Alex?" I said, sitting up on the couch. His crying outburst had ended about twenty minutes ago and we'd been peacefully watching Netflix since then. He turned around and tilted his head as to ask what was going on, so I nervously continued, afraid of triggering bad memories.

"So I know we're going to take you to a speech therapist later on but I was thinking that maybe you can't speak because of a mental block? I think if you let your past off your chest you might be able to talk." I said quickly. I saw his face get a little paler and he fidgeted with his hands for a moment before holding up a finger to tell me to wait. He dashed off and came back with his laptop a few seconds later.

Confused, I watched as he booted it up and opened a blank document and began typing.

I think it'll be much easier to type instead of sign. Plus it goes faster than writing with a pen and paper. I really don't like thinking about my past but I suppose I really should tell you. But I don't want to scare you away, so promise you won't leave me after you learn about my past?

I looked up as Alex finished his intro paragraph and nodded, slightly worried about what this was going to be. I turned my head black to the screen as he starting typing again.

My home life was never very good. My mother loved me, but my brother and father didn't. They made that very clear. But I'll get to that later. Like I said, my mother did love me. She tried as much as she could to talk to me and help me with anything I needed and provide for me. But she was never really around. See, on my island in the Caribbean there was so much poverty. My family was stuck in it, so the only job my mother could turn to for an income was unfortunately prostitution. She would be gone late into the night every day and have a new "customer" at least twice a week. It sucked. But I dealt with it because it kept food on the table.

Back to my father and brother. My father was overall a terrible person. Neglectful, alcoholic, and plain rude. He would beat me. Not my mother, not my brother, just me. He hated me and I still don't know why. He would drink all day while I was at "school". (It was basically just a few kids sitting in a small room while an unqualified teacher had us write and solve simple math problems for a few hours). Then I would come home and he'd call me names and punch me until he passed out from the alcohol or I passed out from the attacks.

My brother got my fathers genes passed down to him. He'd force me to do his chores and everything he told me to. He would take the little food I was given away from me so he could have more. Because of him and my father, I was constantly starving and covered in bruises.

But I tried to stay happy. When my mother was around we'd walk along the beach before sunset and she'd ask how I was and I'd always lie and tell her I was fine. She didn't know about my father or James attacking me because she was never around.

One day we got back from a walk and my father was hanging from the rafters of our living room with a rope around his neck. He had a short note written that basically consisted of him saying it was my fault for being "such a terrible and disappointing son". So yeah.

After that James abandoned me and my mom and ran off with some girl to Florida. My mother died of what we think was AIDS from the prostitution and I was left alone.

I stopped talking after my father killed himself. I figured if I didn't speak I couldn't hurt anyone or ruin their lives like I did to him. Even in the hurricane I didn't speak. I didn't scream or anything. I just ran.

But yeah, that's my past. That's why I don't talk. Because I'm basically a murderer, at least in my own eyes. If I just put up with the beatings and didn't cry out when he hit me, maybe I'd be ok. Maybe I'd be able to tell you out loud that I love you. But maybe I'd also be dead from the beatings. That would be fine too, though...

I scanned the words intently as he typed until I got to the very ending. He deleted his last sentence almost as soon as he typed it. I knew he meant it though. It made me really sad.

"Alex, it wasn't your fault. Your father was an awful, awful man. It's so horrible how he blamed you but I know deep down it wasn't your fault. You put up with so much bullshit in your life and you don't deserve to go through that. I'm so proud of you baby, I'm so happy you told me about your past. I know it hurts a lot right now, and it'll hurt for a long time, but I'm here for you, alright? You are alive because you have a purpose on this Earth and you deserve to be alive. You are so strong, Alexander, I hope you know that." I said, rubbing his shaking hands as he nodded, staring off into space. He luckily wasn't crying but looked fairly close.

"Hey, cheer up, ok? I know that was really heavy but let's be happy tonight. I love you!" I smiled at him, hoping to lift his mood. He smiled a little, although it was fake, so I resorted to my last tool.

Swiping him up off the couch, I tossed his small figure over my shoulder and carried him to our room and threw him on the bed. He looked confused until I attacked him with kisses and tickles. Eventually he was laughing until he couldn't breathe and I stopped, laughing as well.

"I love you so much." I said, flipping next to him.

He signed I love you too with a smile and kissed my lips gently before closing his eyes and curling up against me.

a/n: ooooops this is so late ahh sorry. I had tech week for my school musical and we just finished our 4 shows. I'm sad that it's over but so happy that I was a part of it and happy to be back to updating!! (Sorry I feel like I leave like every other week :(( but I'm back for good now!!)