Speak Up // Lams

Chapter 8

• Alexanders POV •

I have to be dreaming. This sickness has me going crazy, doesn't it? Because there is no way, no way at all that I just felt John freaking Laurens kiss me. No way.

He thought I was asleep. Truth be told, I almost was. Then I felt his lips pressed against mine, and every ounce of me that wanted sleep instantly woke up and said "nope!". I'm not complaining by any means, but...

Why me?

Why did he kiss me of all people? I mean, I knew he was gay, he told me so but I'm sure he could find a better boy to kiss. And he kissed me when I was sick! He's going to catch it and it's all my fault! My major problem now is, what do I do?

Do I wait and see if he asks me out or kisses me again? Do I go for it and kiss him later? I dunno. I've never had anyone like me before. John was my first kiss. Except, I don't think I'd count that as a first kiss if I couldn't really participate in it.

Another question of mine:

Would John get me to speak again?

After years of being mute, of being silent, would be wake up my voice? Would he make me squeal happily or mutter beautiful lovely words in his ear before falling asleep? Would he be the one to help me sing again, like I used to when my mother was still around, and we'd dance around our tiny kitchen and sing while we made dinner? Maybe. I kind of hoped so.

But another part of me didn't want that. Another part of me wanted to keep my voice locked away, trapped inside me, never to escape and be heard. Before I was mute my mouth got me in trouble constantly. It was probably the reason my father killed himself. I was probably just that obnoxious. That's why I went mute. I stayed mute after my mother got sick and died, and James moved away and forgot about me.

I want to love John. I want to with every ounce of my heart. But I can't.

If I love John, something is bound to happen. He'll leave me. He'll find someone better. He'll die or kill him self because I'm a terrible boyfriend. Some tragedy will strike him and I️ and I will never recover.

He'll find out about my past and then he'll know I'm just a freak.

So I did what I had to do. After a few minutes I turned my back to him and closed my eyes, continuing to "sleep".

Except I wasn't asleep at all. Instead of dreams in my head, I had tears on my face.