The Darkness of The Sun

Chapter 2

Azaria

I contemplate on my life, even though I’ve yet to even make a dent in it. Completely oblivious to that concept as I overthink. Somehow I still manage to get lost in my thoughts, my past, and my head. This creates an unnatural phenomenon in which is hard to contain. So instead I take it out on everyone else it seems. Pushing people further, only hurting me really. This is the lifestyle I cope with, learned it, and memorized the operation. He's just another fatal step in that cycle, soon to total the process.

So determined, I'm so damn determined to make this work. You see, it's not easy for me to obtain relationships of any kind. In the past I've made horrible mistakes to make me think this way.

Happiness is so complex, however it’s a very strong desire for most individuals. I think that’s why people resort to this love to find that happiness. Still bemuses me how we depend on someone else to provide this content feeling. To be so dependent is how we deal with our problems we create.

Even though this is a hypocritical statement, due to my lack of independencey. I rely on Grant to make me happy, it isn't fair to him. I often forget that, I forget it's not his responsibility to make me happy

Everything is temporary, we forget that a lot. Truth is everything comes to an end. Of course you don’t see that in the beginning of situations, you hope for the best. You hope that your relationship will last a life time. So did I, that’s the first mistake I made. Getting my hopes up so God damn high.

My previous relationship damages this one too. My previous mistakes seemed to have shaped the way I think, feel, and love.

I have such a towering ambition in a single interim affinity. Pushing every limit, demanding perfection as a result to an outcome. By far the most common mistake people make, believing things can change.Thinking you can change your significant other, deducing one will develop habits beneficial towards you.

Now I’m guilty of all of this too, I get far too caught up in the moment. You don’t apprehend your true love for someone until what was shared is departed. Afterwards you validate whether you loved the person, or the sense of someone was there for you. The notice of how the love might’ve been artificial the whole time. I assume if I perceived this beforehand than I would’ve been far more heedful in my past relationship.

So now I try to embrace every minute with him, each passing second that goes by I would worship. A single glance, the moment we scrutinize so entirely into eachothers eyes.

Now I perceive the errors made in the past. To generate another bond, to fall again is horrifying. The immense agony can be repeated, and with this I admit. I’m beyond scared to death to descend into that endearment yet another time.

Lately with plenty of caution I guess I’ve chosen to distance myself, from whoever I might fall for. Falling is easy, but the fear is whether you’ll be caught or not. That massive risk of occupying an artificial love.

My standards are far too high, too high for anyone to reach. Just to have the reward of someone like me, I’m nothing special. My blue eyes, mixtures of red and brown hair, big thighs, lack of talent, and plenty of other flaws. Hilarious how I could write a 100 page intro to just my imperfections. Insecurities take control of who you are more than most are aware of.

For days I wouldn’t look in the mirror, I was too terrified to see the monstrous beast that I call my body. The only thing I hate is myself, not for the way I look. But for what I do to myself, I binge somedays, don’t eat for three, and work out constantly. I’m severely devoted to myself, I am the most selfish.

I know it isn't fair for Grant to deal with this, he's too amazing to have a disgrace of a human being like me. But I try, I try to see myself positively for him. I want to get better for him, I want to be okay for him.

He makes me want to be better, to see the world in a different light. He's so extraordinary, I'm not sure how I managed to make him my boyfriend.

He makes me sad, very sad. However he also makes me so extremely happy, hell even happy is an understatement. Grant is such a huge part of my life now. He means the world no, the universe to me.

I love to make him smile. Seeing his dimples, looking into his light blue eyes, and well basically most everything about him I love.

I hope he won't give up, because I swear to God in the end I'm worth it. I am a great girl I think, I'm not sure. He just can't give up yet.

I've been slacking on the role of being a good girlfriend, to take a mental vacation. I had to feel better, I almost slipped into depression.

He doesn't realize he's the only one. Only one I listen to, take compliments from. The only one that can create a dramatic change in my lifestyle. Grant doesn't realize how entirely content he makes me feel. He doesn't recognize how strong my love for him is.

I love him, and I'll do my best. I'll do everything I can to make him happy, to make this work. He deserves so much, so damn much. So now I need to offer it.