The Darkness of The Sun

Chapter 25

The Letter:

There will come a day Azaria, that one of us will run out life. Our shine will fail to exist in this world for any time beyond a point. Today is not the day for you, my sunshine to fail me.

I'll be gone, I'm not sure when but my existence will be no longer. I won't be there to hold you, to kiss you, tell you things will all work out, so this is my note to you of death.

Death is cold, and what makes it more intense is killing yourself. Suicide is a mistake, you'd regret it but alas you're too dead to feel.

I couldn't help but think, what would I do without you. The trees would rot, break. The nights would dawn quickly. Horrible rain storms slapping the skin. With this I hope you recognize; the trees are my bones, the nights are my eyes, and the storms are my tears. The core, my heart, would physically give out.

Bullshit to what anyone has to say. I love you Azaria beyond words can express. If I could take it all back, meet a different girl without all this struggle, I wouldn't.

Part of me thinks the human brain has the urge to possess some sort of pain. To feel a pain, struggle, so it can gather reasons to die and not feel guilty. I do not believe humans were supposed to strive, live for so long. Perhaps we were bound to have these thoughts of death, because we're far too powerful to kill. Far too much for God to kill his very own creation, in which back fired so deeply.

We're the failed science project of the lord. The mess isn't easy to clean.

In this demolished world we seek to find this solution, love. The medicine to all depression, or any illness at all. We forget that there's only so many chances. Chances to catch a glance, to bump into, the person that is your center. Your whole universe, held in one person. For me that person is you.

You make the tears of the clouds retrieve, the sunshine a little brighter. I am just a flower, and you are the Sun. You give me life, the urge to grow. However I am just another flower growing in your garden.

6,935 days, that's how many days approximately I have lived on this Earth. It took me 4,745 days to find you, in my opinion too long. But you see Azaria since the day I met you, my heart. My heart was locked, it wanted so much more.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I've learned a lot in these 19 years. With this knowledge I know you underestimate all that you hold, all that you are. That if you die, you don't end anything. You open a pathway to my death.

You almost died, it was my fault. No more sugar coat reassurance from my too sweet girlfriend. It was I.

I'm sorry. Azaria you were right, I'm all talk. I say shit I'll never prove or provide you with, getting your hopes up. It's absurd for me to ask you to overlook that. I say so many things I don't even know how to begin to prove. For that I am sorry.

I'm sorry. For my lack of caring. The affection I should've drowned you in, instead of your tears.

I'm sorry. For the sorrow I couldn't take away. That I pretended I knew what the hell I was doing.

Most of all I'm sorry. For the time. The time it took me to realize the obvious. Each minute adding to the world, as each minute to your mind counted down.

We don't deserve much in life. You the pain, and the worries. Myself, I don't deserve you. My theory is if we thought we deserved nothing, then maybe we'd have a shot at happiness. But Azaria I cannot change societies way of thinking. However I can change yours.

I wish for nothing more than to spend a day in your mind. Erase, and destroy all the sadness. For one day take in what you contained for years. Try to understand your complex unimaginable mind. I'd fix and rearrange, and I wouldn't stop.

I won't stop. I'll do anything I can for you. Until the day I die. Because I view you as the Sun, and without you the Earth, the galaxy is entirely and fully, nothing.

I love you so god damn much Azaria.

-Grant