The Darkness of The Sun

Chapter 10

Azaria

2:59 a.m.

I was roused from my restless sleep, an inconsolable feeling struck my body all at once. All of this I did not deserve, all the damn happiness. It just didn't seem suitable, none of it was right. Never have I done something to justify the joyfulness.

I'm greedy and inconsiderate, I don't deserve the happiness. I put people through hell, highly self-serving, and uncomplimentary. Everything I've done to Grant, the bullshit I put him through. All that I receive makes me boil with guilt.

Inaudibly I snuck away to the bathroom, and looked in the mirror, I don't like what I see. Tears began to build, making my vision blurry. I demanded myself not to cry, but I couldn't control it anymore. As days grew I lost control of my body more and more. I lost who I was, and how I felt.

I was sinking, drowning within my own flesh. The worst part is, you can't escape yourself. Trapped, I am stuck uncomfortable in my own skin.

The human body is a blessing, something that should be cherished. However, I just view it as a curse. The human body is used for the wrong purposes. Thinking we need this amazing body to satisfy others when reality is, it's no one's job to have big boobs, a six pack, a huge ass, nice teeth, ect. We don't have to change our bodies for someone else's pleasure. But that's what society is, a fucked up system that we created. The system that runs the world and the minds of us all, my mind and yours. This body is nothing to be cherished to me. I pity it, as do I myself.

My cries grew stronger as I sat on the ground and attempted to cover my face. Hold back the tears, but yet again failing.

"What's going on? What's wrong?" Grant raced in and spoke with great concern. He helped me up, and pulled me into his arms.

"I don't... I can't..." I couldn't process any thoughts to manage a sentence.

"Shh, Azaria I'm here okay? I'm here." I pushed him away.

"But you're fucking not Grant. Don't you understand? You always say you're here but every time I beg for help, you're speechless. You never know what to say. You're a busy guy you say, you're always busy. Soon you'll just forget about me, go hangout with your buddies instead. Because, you know I'm not going fucking anywhere. So you take it for granted, me for granted. For once, one time I need you to actually be here. Please God damn it."

"Listen, my speechlessness? It's because I can't believe it. All you go through, every fucking day you put up with all this shit. I find it quite incredible you can deal with it, because I? I would've gone insane years ago, but you still manage your way. It's so fucking amazing, you're amazing. You persevere through this hellhole, and for that Azaria I see great strength. I'm not good at expressing, I have my downsides. But I swear, I've never been so proud."

I looked down, he lifted my chin and kissed me. Saying, "I love you. Don't tell me I don't mean that. I'd never do all this, give this effort for someone I didn't love. Alright?"

"Alright."

Grant went back to the bedroom, I stayed in the bathroom for awhile. Then i decided to get deeply intoxicated, to forget about everything for a short term.

My body was numb and I was laughing. I got in the car and started it, began to race down the highway. Losing control I was submerged into the river, sinking quickly. However I didn't panic, the pressure increased as water began to plunge inside. I didn't scream, cry, or yell. Completely relaxed I just laid back.

I knew in only a matter of seconds my lungs would crave air, while being full filled with water. My head would shock with pain. My heart would pound, slower, and slower until finally nothing.

The water was up to my neck, it was just about my last shot. But I didn't want it, I didn't want to get rushed to the hospital. Be okay, I didn't want to be alive anymore. So with that, inhaling the water I died. The best possible death, dying on my own terms.