The Darkness of The Sun

Chapter 6

Azaria

I woke up in a dull room, my eyes were too hazed to make out the details of the figures. Glancing down I regained my memory of the situation I was in. What I have done, who I have lost.

I shut my eyes and opened them again stubborn to withhold a view of my room. Two empty chairs were to the right of my bed, no one sitting there. Not that I even expected anyone to show. To the left of me was the bathroom, next to that was the door. I looked to the table next to me, an overwhelming amount of red roses. I reached for the card cradled within the immense flowers.

"From some guy named, Grant. You know of him?" A nurse walked in questioning me already.

"Oh yeah my boyfriend, I mean ex boyfriend."

"Need anything?"

"No, thank you. "

She helped herself out, and I debated on whether I even wanted to open the card. Did I really want to read the words describing an artificial love? Finally I made the decision not to, and it'd be best if I didn't.

It was so quiet, the only noise was the clock ticking obnoxiously. I drifted into a day dream.

I played situations in my head, in which seemed like unrealistic events that would never occur. Me being happy, so full of life. See the thing about depression is, you don't remember how you felt beforehand. You can't recall what happiness even is.

Grant came to mind, but I didn't know what to in vision. My mind was too misty to make out any thoughts about him. So instead I tried to block out the ideas of him, in which made me wonder even more about him. If it was a mistake, I kept repeating on end that it was no misfortune of my own. That this end would be highly beneficial towards me.

However I miss him, no matter how fucking sick it is. I want him here, right now. It's revolting, so nauseating to know how much I still want him. To wish of his presence after the shit he's done is just so puzzling.

I always say forgiveness is key I can forgive him, of course I can. The matter is if I can allow him back into my life. However that is something I'm unsure of, if he even deserves me anymore. I'm not much but I still am someone to hold.

Depression is addictive, so contagious. Happiness however, it's extremely difficult to possess and maintain. It's a challenge to feel ecstatic.

Things have to get horrible before they get amazing. There's the deepest downfall, the greatest failure. The incident that makes you want to try so fucking hard, to be blissful again.

I want to take control of who I am again. I need to mold myself into who I yearn to be. This is a very difficult damn task, but it's time to be independent, discover my ultimate self. Shortly I'll accept every flaw I hold, every little imperfection I will welcome. Someday, I will love who I am.