The Darkness of The Sun

Chapter 4

Azaria

He always has to go, there's always somewhere he needs to be. He doesn't enjoy me anymore, perhaps I should've taken a hint.

4:36 a.m.

My phone rang, it was Grant. I forced my eyes open, and stretched to grab my phone, and answered.

"Azaria! ...Hi."

"Hello, whatcha so ornery about?"

"I did something bad."

"Hahah yeah cause Grant is such a bad ass. What is it?"

"No, I'm serious I don't..." I heard sobs, my heart sank. I didn't know what to say.

"I'm here for you, please tell me what you did?"

"Before I say this can you just listen for a second?"

"Of course." I was terrified.

"Now I'd never do anything to purposely hurt you in anyway. You are my love, and that you must know this is true. You're breathtaking, perfection in human form. I don't want to let you go, nor do I want to lose you. We've been through so much, God we fight all the damn time too. But that doesn't determine my love for you Azaria. You're just, I guess you're just a part of me. To lose you at this point would ache my soul, I love you."

"Grant, wow I'm speechless, thank you so much. I love you too, please just explain this."

"I... Azaria..." He began to cry, I could hear pain in his voice. It struck me finally, that it had to do with me.

"I cheated on you."

It all hit me so abruptly, so many emotions slammed into my heart. Each and everyone one demanding to be felt. I couldn't think, my body grew numb and I began to shiver. Words tried to escape into existence but they wouldn't develop. So there I sat, bawling while he listened.

"Azaria please, I didn't mean to I didn't really."

"Why?"

"I don't know I really don't, I swear to fucking God I regretted every given moment."

"Who?"

"Lily Sheerdan."

"Well I got to go, bye."

"Wait! Azaria, I know you don't have to go. Can we just forget this happened, and move on with us?"

"Us? You can continue on with you, and I can continue on with myself. Goodbye Grant."

I hung up the phone, and tried to sleep. But the tears became a river, and endless rush of water flowing down my face. I thought maybe it was my fault, maybe it is. My lack of beauty, lack of talent, or well lack of most everything.

I ran to the bathroom, and broke a razor. Clean for 7 months, now history.  Dragging the blade across my skin deeper, increasing the pressure applied. I didn't want to die, I just wanted pain. I wanted to feel, see the blood rushing. It felt really good, I missed the sting.

I didn't stop there, I kept going, deeper and deeper. You know, maybe I do want to die, maybe I was just want it all to be over. To never wake up, see the Sun rise, to hear the rain, to be here. My presence disgust me, and I could take it all away. I could relief myself from all the problems of the world, by deleting my existence.