The Darkness of The Sun

Chapter 20

Azaria

I was getting weaker, no matter how much I tried to deny. Denying basically for the good of Grant, the sake of myself. Creating all these illusions for myself, the ultimate magic trick. They say a true magician never reveals his secrets, but hell I wish I knew mine. The reason for the games I play on myself. Why I damage myself, my hatred for who I am. I want more than anything to be okay, but I'm not sure what okay means. All I am is forcefully happy with a little storm cloud hung over me. Thunder crying my name to suicide, death.

But I had to be better, not for me. It wasn't about me anymore, but for Grant. However I've been losing faith, in the guy. The 4 in the morning "I'll always love you". I feel I'm searching, so damn hard for this Grant. Perhaps he isn't there, maybe it's all a waste of time. However I cannot accept that anymore. I've came so far and I demand a result. I command from God or whatever the hell exist for one good thing. I want that one good thing to be Grant.

This is the beginning of it, my thoughts they carry on. Adding weight to my depression with each over thought emotion. I'm a wreak that is forced to be happy. Needs to get better, and has so much to live up to. Of course it all seems impossible, but that's how all things start. Everything seems incomprehensible until light shines through and you catch on. Little by little.

"Oh god."

"What?"

"Azaria you're going to be upset."

"Just tell me."

"I'm scheduled for another business trip to New York."

"How long this time?"

"9 days."

"Okay."

I walked back to bed, and he didn't stop me. He was a busy guy, who was losing more time. Growing a bond away from me. Building this wall that was too much to climb anymore. I was too weak, as for him he was gaining power. Making new friends, exploring, and doing everything I couldn't. I'm this hopeless soul, I'm not sure how much further I could strive.

But I'll hold on, I can manage. Until one day, when I become so completely miserable. That finally adrenaline will slap me right across the face. Controlling me, to steal my life. I won't struggle to stay any longer.