Dark and Dirty Like You've Never Seen

Sorry / Not Sorry

I spent another day or two in the hospital before they finally sent me home. I feel like if I have any chance of remembering anything, I needed to get back to my normal routine and let it trickle back. I drove back home with both of my parents. I still didn’t have any memories of my dad and it made me feel bad. He hadn’t spoken more than three words to me since I woke up two days ago. I felt horrible but I hope coming home will help me to remember. As we pulled up to the house I looked around the two story blue house and sighed, not surprised that it didn’t look familiar either. I stepped out of the car and made my way slowly up to the house. I saw my mom and dad watching me constantly and it made me a nervous wreck. I know they were just making sure I was ok but it wasn’t helping as much as they thought it was. I stepped through the front door and walked into the living room, looking around. I saw pictures hanging on the walls and walked over to them, scanning them. I saw one of the three of us. We were smiling but somewhere in me, I didn’t believe it was authentic. I turned back around to see they were still watching me. I swallowed and shoved my hands in my pockets. I came home in the clothes that I was wearing the night of the accident. I don’t remember owning a Misfit t-shirt? I bit at my lip and cleared my throat.

“Um … my room is…”

“Upstairs.” My dad said, surprising me.

“Oh, thanks…” I walked slowly past them and started to make my way up the stairs. I got to the top and looked at the door hanging open and saw some posters hanging on the wall. That must be mine. I walked over to it and pushed it open the rest of the way. I looked around at the desk against the wall and the bed with a grey and yellow bed spread. I walked over and picked up a jacket off of the floor. It was black with what looked like patches of various bands on the sleeves that were hand sewn on. I lifted it to my face and inhaled. It smelled of faint cologne. This must be … well, my boyfriends I guess. I still never established who that was. The day the five boys came to see me, I desperately tried to remember who they were, but they left not to long after they got there due to visiting hours. I talked to them a little more about the band they mentioned and didn’t get much farther than that. I closed my eyes and inhaled once more and waited for the magical “A-ha!” moment but it never came. It did smell amazing though. Cologne and stale cigarettes.

I laid the jacket on my bed along with my bag that I had with me and walked over to my desk. I opened one of the drawers and saw some random papers and a notebook of some sort. It might have been a diary. For some reason I felt bad going through my own stuff only because I didn’t remember it. It felt like I was snooping through someone else’s things. I shut the drawer, deciding to go through it later. I walked over to the closet and pulled it open only to see that it was empty. I cocked my head to the side in confusion. I turned to my dresser and pulled open the drawers to find just a few pieces of clothing. Where was all of my stuff? I jumped when I heard a voice come from my doorway.

“You took it with you.”

I gasped and turned to see my dad standing in the doorway. He had his arms crossed, his face unreadable. I registered what he said and shook my head.

“Took it where?”

“That boyfriend of yours. It’s all at his house.”

“Why?” I asked, a little nervous. Why did I feel this anxiety around him?

“Well I was hoping you would tell me. I came home and saw that you had snuck in while I was at work and took most of your stuff.”

“Why would I do that…” I was baffled as I walked over to my bed and sat down slowly, looking around the room once more. How long had I not been living here? My dad walked into my room from the door way and I started to instinctively tense up. He came over to my bed and sat down next to me slowly. He looked at his hands in his lap before looking at me. He seemed sad.