I Don't Wanna Break

Change

"You're new identity will be Lana Reed. You are 19 years old. Your father died in a car accident and you have no siblings. Here's the keys to your new car and house and here's the address. This is your new phone. The only contacts in here are your mothers, Nat's, mine and the agency's. Do you have any other questions?" I sit in Tanners hotel room, on his sofa, as he gives me the instructions for my new life.

"What about Niall?" I ask.

"Nat says he's not gonna come after you anymore. You should be safe."

I nod. I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to change my identity, but Niall didn't make this easy for me. He never did. That's why I love him.

"Mckenzie. Everything is going to be okay. I made sure of it." He puts his hand on my knee. "Now I've talked to one of my buddies and he got you a job working at a diner, that's about three blocks from your house. The pay is not great but the agency will help pay the bills and everything so don't worry about having money issues."

He stands and walks into his bedroom. He comes back with a credit card, passport, drivers license, a shoe box and a binder.

"Nat came up with some ideas also." He hands me the binder. "She made a portfolio with your new wardrobe in it. She said 'if your identity is changing then so is your style'. I don't really understand why but there it is."

I laugh. I never had a sense of style to begin with. The binder has different hairstyles, shoes and clothes she thinks I look good in. She even put the colors she thinks that go well with my skin tone. She put in a page about how to do a messy bun. I had never perfected the art of doing one of those. The very last page was a picture of me and her at the masquerade party. On the back of that page is a picture of Niall and I sitting on the couch at Beth's apartment.

It was the night of our first date. The night I had told him about Jackson and about my nightmares. My head is on his chest and his arms are around me. The picture looks perfect. We're both peacefully asleep, oblivious to the world around us.

My heart aches when I think about what I'm putting him through. I didn't want to change my identity but he doesn't exactly make things easy for me. He never has.

I miss him like crazy. After that day in Ireland, I couldn't get him out of my head. I kept texting Nat, asking how he was and if he was coming after me again.

That day I last saw her, I gave her my new number and told her I'd call her when I got away from there. I told her that she needed to stay strong for me and for Niall. I knew he would not be happy with my leaving again and I needed someone there to make sure he would have someone to talk to and be there for him since I wasn't.

According to her, he hasn't been doing well at all. He's been locked in his room for months, only coming out when he needs too. She's tried to cheer him and make him forget but he doesn't cooperate. She said that's sometimes she hears him sobbing my name or he plays my song on his guitar.

"Are you ready?" Tanner asks.

I nod my head. He takes my keys and suitcase and walks out the door. I grab the rest of my belongings and follow him. When I reach the car, he has it running and the trunk is open. I take the rest of my things to the trunk, while he locks the door to his house. I hop into the passenger seat and wait for him.

Once he returns he says, "Do you like it?"

"Like what?"

He chuckles. "Your car."

I look around. It's a shiny black car with a shiny black interior. Nothing special. But I do like the leather seats.

I nod my head. "Thank you."

He shrugs his shoulders. "No problem."

"Thank you for everything." I say staring at my lap.

He puts a hand on my chin and lifts it up so I'm looking at him. "I would do anything for you. You are such an amazing girl, who didn't deserve to go through what you did. I'm glad I got to meet you and I'm glad we're friends. I'm here to keep you safe. It's my job."

I smile at him and nod my head. I face the front and stare out the window, as he pulls out the drive.

Niall didn't deserve to go through any of this either.

___________________

Niall's POV

"Niall there's a party tonight, you wanna come?" Louis asks.

I shake my head and stare down at my plate of untouched food.

"Come on, mate. You never spend time with us anymore. I miss you. Please just come to this one party." He begs.

I shake my head again. He sighs and leaves the kitchen. I take my plate and dump my food in the trash. Nat made me breakfast like she does every morning, but as usual I don't eat. I still eat from time to time but it's in between a few days. I may eat on Wednesday but I won't eat again until Saturday or Sunday.

I walk slowly to my room but stop when I hear Nat giggling. I put my ear up against the door, to hear what's going on.

Harry is singing to her softly. "I'm sorry if I say I need ya, but I don't care I'm not scared of love. Cause when I'm not with you I'm weaker. Is that so wrong, is it so wrong that you make me strong."

She giggles again. "I love you, Harry."

"I love you too, Natalie." I hear them kiss and I walk away.

I'm always jealous of Harry. He has Nat. He has his love. She practically lives here now. She's always over and they are always doing things together. He never does anything with me anymore.

I sometimes feel like he's rubbing their relationship in my face sometimes. Ever since we fought things have been tense between us and it's just getting worse. The only friends I have are Louis and Nat. They are the only two who haven't completely given up on me.

Liam went through a little bit of a depression after Beth but now he's fine. Zayn and Taylor are still dating. They have a pretty strong relationship. Louis is still dating Rachel. I think they're a cute couple. They're from completely different backgrounds but they are perfect for each other.

Liam and I hang out sometimes but not that often. He tried to help me get over her at first but now he's given up on me.

I walk to my room and shut the door behind me. My room is a mess. Clothes, paper and random holes punched in the wall are everywhere. Nat washes my clothes and she always puts the papers away into this tin box in my closet and no one can really do anything about the holes in the wall.

All of the papers in the room have something written on them. Most having to do with her. Nat puts them all away into the tin box so I "don't forget her". I won't. It's kinda hard to forget someone who left you multiple times because she doesn't want to be with you.

To be honest, I hate her. I hate her for leaving me and not taking her with me. She wanted a new start. She could've started over with me. But she didn't. She is just a selfish bitch, only doing what she thinks is good for her. She never thought how it would make others feel.

I think I'm the only one still hung up on her leaving. Everyone else is fine. Even Nat. I'm the only that's broken about this and none of them seem to care.

Why do I care? I shouldn't care about the woman that left me to rot while she lives a new life, without having to deal with the burden that is me. Why do I care?

If I had the chance to have her with me again, I don't think I would take it. But if I had the chance to break her and drain her of any happiness, I would do it in a heart beat.