I Don't Wanna Break

Life

My heart swells in pain. It throbs with each heart beat, sending pain, regret and sadness through me.

The crying boy in my arms trembles with each tear that falls down his beautiful face.

"I'm sorry." he whispers with each sob.

I say nothing in return and just simply rub my hand over his back.

I love Jesse with every fiber of my being but I can never let go of Niall. He will always be there and I will always be his. Nothing can change that.

"Niall." He looks up at me with teary eyes.

"Let me go."

He shakes his head and continues to cry into me.

This is him. This is MY Niall. Not the monster I turned him into, but the loving boy I fell in love with all those years ago.

"I can't let you go. I-I can't." He whispers.

I nod my head and continue to rub his back slowly as if he's a child that's awoken from a nightmare.

"I understand." I say quietly. I kiss his forehead before walking to the bed.

Both men follow me and sit down next to me. Jesse on my left and Niall on my right.

"You both know I love you very much but I cannot chose between you right now. I think the best choice would be to pick neither of you. I'm no good." By now the tears are falling and my voice begins to crack.

"I've broken you both beyond repair and I can't even begin to explain how much I am sorry for that."

They remain quiet as I crawl to the head of the bead and sit in the middle. Again they follow me.

Each one takes my hand and whispers quietly. "I can't let you go."

I can't say that my heart breaks when they say this because I no longer have one to break. All that's left is a cold empty cavity in my chest.

Chills crawl down my spine when I realize what I've become. I thought Niall was the monster when in reality it was me.

Taking the hearts of these two wonderful guys and putting them through hell. Making them experience a pain so strong they go numb.

I lean over and kiss Jesse slowly on the lips expecting the nice warm feeling, that always comes when we kiss, to flood through me. It doesn't.

He kisses back and still nothing comes. I grind my lips harder against his wanting to feel the love and warmth that comes with him.

Nothing comes.

I pull away from him and sit back staring at my hands in my lap. I can feel Jesse's eyes stare into the side of my head but I don't look back at him.

I lean in and press my lips into Niall's. He reacts immediately and starts to move his lips agains mine. I don't get the floaty feeling I usually do, this time sparks fly and ignite a fire deep in my core.

I pull away and bring a hand to my lips. They still tingle from their contact with Niall's. I sit back and stare at him. He stares back.

I felt something with Niall not Jesse. Why? Do I love him more than Jesse? Does Jesse mean nothing to me now?

So many questions. So many thoughts. Both running through my head making it harder to make simple choices. Why?

That's probably the biggest question of all. why?

Why?

Why do I hurt the people I love the most? Why must I fall in love so easily? Why does pain and heartbreak follow me every where I go?

I tried to runaway. I tried to start over. I tried not to fall in love but somehow history seems to repeat itself.

I hate Niall just as much as I love him yet the love always seems to bubble to the surface when I'm trying to be mad at him. He hit me and nearly raped me. Why do I still love him? What the hell is wrong with me?

Jesse has done nothing wrong to me. Nothing. He's done everything he could to make me happy. He hasn't kept secrets from me and he hasn't hit me. He's the exact opposite of Niall.

I silently laugh at the voices in my head that continue to argue over these boys. I've had this argument before.

Jackson and Niall.

My fire and ice.

Now the roles are different.

Niall and Jesse.

Fire and ice.

Niall is the fire that still burns in me. He is what brings out the old me. He makes me Mckenzie. That shy girl so scared of love, that she left the one person that would love her more than anyone else.

Jesse is ice. He calms the fire of my past and makes my present more bright. He sweeps away the damage, dust and ash that's left behind and replaces it with new and shiny parts. He makes me feel new. He makes me Lana. The strong-willed girl that falls so easily she forgets her heart belongs to someone else.

I hear people say that life is complicated but I don't think that's true. The decisions we make is what makes it life. What road you take and what friends you chose, help decide how your life is going to be.

Love.

Love is what makes life complicated.

There's only one person in this world that is meant for you. You don't know who it is. You don't know where they are. You don't know when you'll find them.

How are supposed to know who to fall in love with? How do you know if they're "the one"? They don't just walk into your life with a sign above their head saying "I'm the one!"

It's not that easy.

You have to go through heartbreak, pain, sadness and depression. You have to fall in love with the wrong person before you find the right one. You have to search until you find that one person you can't live without and if they feel the same about you, you've found him. After hundreds of boxes of tissues and thousands of buckets of ice cream, you will have finally found the one.

Life isn't complicated. Love is.

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Over 100 reads!!! Ilysm!! you have no idea how grateful I am to have this many readers<3

I would still love it if you commented more but thank you for reading this story and voting for it. Keep up the good work and I will too!!!

xoxo ;)