flatline (v.)
/ˈflatlʌɪn/ to die.
- - -
after that, everything was quiet.
jun couldn't hear anything,
he couldn't hear the sound of minghao sobbing, the elongated buzzing of the dead heart monitor, or the profuse apologies spilling out of each doctor's mouth.
what was he going to do?
where was his mom?
where was feng?
was he at home? was jun dying, too?
he saw a lot.
jun saw those days at home. bringing minghao with him after the library visits to sit down and read with his brother. he saw the nights they stayed up watching silly, childish animes together, how feng would burst out into laughter at pretty much everything, and the feeling jun felt in his stomach when his brother fell asleep against his shoulder. or when feng would draw pictures for him, smile and ask jun to hang them up on the fridge for their mom to see. he saw all of that. every individual illustration created by the sick boy's hand, every book he read with minghao, each single hospital gown he wore.
he heard the turn of each coloring book page, all the animal guides and novels centered around daring safaris. jun heard the gasp of excitement feng gave when minghao presented with him with a stuffed elephant, the look of thought when he searched his expansive, creative mind as he searched for a suitable name.
it...it hurt. it hurt so much.
he almost couldn't process the fact that feng was gone. it didn't seem real-- was this the world's way of joking with him? proving to him that he deserved nothing but the worst, and that all his hard work was, in the end, for nothing at all?
those days at the library...was that his fault? for distracting himself with love and not focusing on his brother?
oh, god. he fucked up. he fucked up so bad.
it was all his fault, it was all his fault, it was all his--
"jun. jun, please answer me. j-jun, i'm sorry, i'm so sorry--"
minghao's voice finally comes through. it's shaky and full of sobs, ripping at the seams of his throat and coming out in odd jumbles. but jun doesn't feel anything. it only adds to the emptiness washing over him.
he crumbles into minghao's arms, not being able to stop the tears from flowing. the librarian keeps him grounded, and jun thinks, that no, he was wrong. all those days in the library weren't a waste. because despite the numbing pain he's receiving currently, he still has someone ignoring themselves and healing him instead.
was minghao hurting, too? did he feel the shock, the trauma, everything that came with that silent heartbeat?
maybe he did, maybe he didn't.
suddenly, all the sound comes back, jun being able to hear more than just minghao's crying. he sees all the doctors crowded around him, and he sees his mom standing at the door now, tears in her eyes and expression blank. jun looks up and around, but the doctors are hiding him from seeing his brother once again.
he just wants to be next to him. one last time.
so he stands, ignoring the calls of minghao and feng's doctors, standing up beside the hospital bed and gazing down at that small, lifeless body.
feng's elephant, stampy, is pulled into his arms. he looks so peaceful. so at...ease.
jun smiles weakly at his younger brother. he pats the boy's head and runs his shaky fingers through his hair, bending down and pressing a last kiss to his pale forehead. and when he pulls away, he feels like falling, but minghao is there, minghao is there and he's catching him for the hundredth time, holding him and letting him cry helplessly into his shoulder.
minghao's there.
- - -
with a soft click, joshua unlocks the doors of the library.
to no surprise, it's empty. it was closed the entire weekend.
yet he thought maybe someone, someone like jun's friend soonyoung, would be rude enough to burst in here. the kid was weird enough-- it was probably on his bucket list or something.
he didn't know why he was here. he really didn't.
it could be because he wanted to help chan. though, why was he at the library? what could he even find out here?
the atmosphere of the library soothed him, almost. perhaps he wanted a walk through memories, anything to keep his mind off the present.
half of him wanted to tell chan to simply let it go. joshua didn't know jun well, but he did know that his sick brother was trapped in the hospital, yet chan was the one crying.
chan wasn't a bad friend. he should know that. jisoo believes that jun just needs some time to heal.
he had left the house when chan finally fell asleep, carefully peeling off the covers and slipping out of bed, finding himself walking aimlessly towards the library and half expecting someone like minghao waiting there, ready to greet him.
joshua blinks. he realizes that he's been standing at the library's doors, hands pressed against the handles to push them open, but staying hesitant and still. something seemed off.
something was off, because the lights of the library were open.
he quickly pushes open the double doors and--
minghao?
no. minghao and jun. standing in the center of the library, hands intertwined, and whispering inaudibly.
they both pause though when jisoo enters, the pair turning around, and that's when it hits him.
jun was crying. minghao was crying.
hospital sign in bands on both their wrists, sign out sheets stuck to a clipboard on the floor, and a little stuffed elephant sitting on top of it. it seems that they were ushered out of the hospital.
and as much as he hated to admit it, joshua knew. feng was gone, wasn't he?
he walks over. jun looks away, and minghao offers a sad smile which completely breaks joshua's heart. when he tilts his head in question, minghao only nods, continuing to card his fingers through his lover's hair.
so, it was true. feng was gone.
there's another entry to the library. all three of them now turn around, facing a tired, restless chan with one of the more hurt expressions jisoo has ever seen.
"you too, josh?" he mutters quietly, half inside the library and half outside. "you knew, too?"
though before any of them can respond, chan is gone.
- - -
hey, so. this book will be ending soon! this is an early thanks for the endless support i've gotten, for my first book, i'm not very proud of it, haha. thank you!
-j
