The Free Pass

Chapter 5

Shawn

My mom poured me a cup of tea from the tea pot. It was steaming hot, but I took a sip anyway, burning my tongue. What did they say? If you play with fire you'll get burned. If you sip hot tea you'll get burned, too. And if you have unprotected sex with a hot stranger, that will also burn you. My life was nothing but burns. I needed to learn my lesson and steer clear of hot things.

"So as of now, you have no plans to get married?" she asked me.

"I think her dad still wants it. Her mom is harder to read. I get the sense she'll support Mallory no matter what. The dad is the problem."

"Did he bring up the allegations at all while you were there?"

"No, but everyone was on their best behavior. I still think he would have strangled me in my sleep if I'd stayed at their house," I said, only partly joking.

"She's an only child. I'm sure she is their entire life. Couple that with strong religious convictions and you can almost see where he's coming from."

"Yeah, maybe."

We sipped our tea and each ate a cookie.

"Shawn, what's going to happen after the baby is born? Have you thought about that?"

I'd thought about this a lot. I'd sometimes listen to the baby's heartbeat from the ultrasound recording and that would get me thinking about the future. My future with my baby. Rarely did I question if the baby was mine anymore. Mallory didn't seem like the type to lie about something like that, and she wasn't stupid. She knew that there was going to be a paternity test.

So I'd grown to accept that I was going to be a father and that I had to step up. I just wasn't sure how.

Andrew and Mr. Stevens, the lawyer, had explained to me what my obligation was. I could, if I wanted to, relinquish my parental rights and have nothing to do with the baby, though I had to financially support the child until it was 18.

Obviously, I wasn't going that route. Mallory loved the little lima bean inside her. I could tell by how she talked about it and how she'd touch her barely-there bump. I cared about it. It wasn't as real for me as it was for her, though. Maybe that was normal. Maybe mothers felt a stronger bond right away.

Even if I wasn't as connected to the baby as Mallory was, I felt enough to want to do right by my child. I owed it to the baby to be there and be part of its life. But how much of a part was I going to be? How much of my life was I willing to sacrifice to give time to the baby?

If Mallory stayed in Virginia, I was willing to support her so that she didn't have to work unless she wanted to. I had the money. I could buy her a cute house, pay for everything for the baby. But Virginia was pretty far away. How could I live in Toronto and support her in ways other than financial?

"Do you think you could have raised a baby on your own, assuming money wasn't a factor?" I asked my mom.

She paused to think about my question. "I could have done it. People do it every single day. There are many single parents out there doing an amazing job."

"So Mallory could do it?"

"Yes, she could. But I don't think the question is just if she could do it. I think it's more about whether she should." She took a sip of tea.

"What do you mean?"

"Just because she can handle the months of middle of the night feedings, thousands of diaper changes, and hours spent soothing a crying baby on her own doesn't mean you shouldn't pull your weight and help her. It's your baby, too. You should be doing your share of the hard work. She shouldn't have to carry all of the burden on her shoulders."

I sighed. She was right, of course.

She continued, "But Shawn, if you are doing all of those things, it means you also get to share all the good parts. You'll be there for those first smiles and when the baby laughs. You'll get that incredible feeling when the baby falls asleep in your arms. You'll smell the baby and wonder how you ever went your whole life without breathing in such a perfect scent. Those things make everything else worth it."

"The only way I can be there to help and to experience the good stuff is if I'm there all the time. You're saying that I need to live near the baby. Or live with it," I said.

My mom smiled. "Yes."

"I don't want to move to Virginia. It's a pretty state, but I don't want to live there. Is that selfish?"

"You don't think Mallory would move to Canada? She's graduating, right? Maybe she'd be open to making a fresh start."

I finished my tea and stood up to put the cup in the sink. I grabbed another two cookies off the counter before I sat back down. I handed one cookie to my mom and took a bite of the other.

"I can ask her."

"Do you want my opinion?" she asked.

"Obviously. That's why I'm here."

"I know this would be hard for you, but at first, have Mallory and the baby live with you. That way you'll be there to help her and you'll get to bond with your baby. When the baby is older and requires less care, they could move out to a place nearby, if that's what everyone wanted."

My condo was my castle. It was mine and mine alone. The thought of sharing it with Mallory and a baby irritated me. But the thing was, my mom was right. It was a solid solution.

"I'll talk to her," I said. "We have another check up in a few weeks."

"There's one part of all this we haven't really talked about," my mom said. "What's your relationship with Mallory like?"

"I don't know."

"Do you like her? Because if you are going to live together, that's important."

"Yeah, I like her. She's very likable. When I met her in September I thought she was pretty special. I've gotten to know her better and I like her even more."

"So you two are friends?"

"I guess so."

"Are you still attracted to her?"

I wasn't about to open up to my mom with my answer. Fuck yes, I was attracted to Mallory. She was gorgeous and there was something about her I found irresistible. I couldn't help but think of her sexually, especially since I'd already had her and knew what she was like.

"She's cute, but that's irrelevant," I said instead.