The Free Pass

Chapter 66

Mallory

After I heard the door shut to the guest room, I pulled myself together. I fed Gracie a bottle and put her down for her afternoon nap. I pumped and then dumped the milk. It really hadn't been worth it to drink so much last night. I hated that I couldn't feed Gracie today. More than that, I knew that if I hadn't gotten drunk, I never would have had that discussion with the girls this morning, and I never would have known about hooking up with Garrett. I wished I could have a do-over.

Shawn had done most of the picking up after the party, but I kept myself busy by cleaning the bathrooms and wiping down all the counters in the kitchen. When I was done with that, I got out my iPad and started searching for information about paternity tests. Instead of having blood drawn from a local doctor, we could do a mail order kit that used a cheek swab. This was preferable because it didn't require any human interaction. I wanted this to be private and possibly anonymous. For extra money, the results could be rushed, which was ideal. I looked at various websites to find the most reputable and well-reviewed company and placed an order.

Shawn stayed locked away in the guest room for hours. I hoped that he was sleeping, but I knew him well enough to know that probably wasn't the case.

Dinner needed to be made. I went into the kitchen and pulled out two frozen salmon filets. I put them in the oven with a garlic ginger sauce and put some rice on to cook. I also put some broccoli in the steamer.

When everything was ready, I walked down the hall to the guest room and knocked gently on the door. There was no answer. I turned the knob and surprisingly, it opened. Shawn was on the bed staring up at the ceiling.

"Dinner's ready," I said quietly.

He nodded and carefully got off the bed. We walked to the kitchen together where I proceeded to serve everything up. We then sat at the counter and ate in silence.

Gracie woke up as we finished eating. Normally, Shawn offered to get her. He enjoyed feeding her now that she was eating some solids. This time he acted as if he hadn't even heard her over the baby monitor. I knew he couldn't lift her out of the crib with his broken hand, but I thought he'd at least comment that she was awake.

I went to the nursery and got her out and changed her. I brought her into the kitchen, put her in the high chair, and placed a bib around her neck.

"Do you want to feed her while I do the dishes?" I asked Shawn, who was still sitting at the counter.

"Can't," he said, holding up his cast as an explanation. I knew damn well he could feed her left handed.

I prepared her dinner and sat in front of the high chair and fed her. When she was done, I cleaned her messy face up and took her out. I put her on her activity mat in the living room.

"Can you keep an eye on Gracie while I clean the kitchen?"

Wordlessly, he got up and moved to the sofa and sat down.

I did the dishes and washed the pots and pans.

"Do you need some Advil? Or maybe a pain pill?" I asked before joining Shawn in the living room.

"Advil."

I got him the pills and a glass of water. I brought them to him and sat down next to him on the side of his good hand. After he took the meds and put his glass on the coffee table, I took his uncasted hand in both of mine. I felt such relief that he didn't pull it away.

"Can we talk? I know the talk earlier was full of emotions, but can we maybe try talking again now that it's sunk in a little?"

He turned and looked at me. It was the first time he'd really looked at me since he'd punched the wall.

"Sure, Mal. Let's talk."

"I ordered a paternity test," I said. "I thought that a home test might be better."

"Great."

"It will be here in two to three days. If we send it the next day, we should have the results the following week."

He was still looking at me. I waited for him to comment, but instead I watched as tears started to fall down his cheeks.

"I'm so sorry, Shawn," I said, fighting back my own tears. It wasn't a fight a could win.

He started to cry harder. I let go of his hand and put my arms around him. He leaned into me, resting his head on my chest. We sat like that for quite a while, both of us crying and holding on to each other.

Eventually Shawn pulled away. I got up and got us each tissues.

"What if the test says Grace is not mine?" Shawn asked.

"I haven't really thought that far ahead," I answered honestly.

"Everything will change. It will all be ruined."

"Some things might change, but we don't have to let it change everything."

He looked at me and shook his head. "Mallory, it will never be the same. How can you not see that?"

I took a deep breath. "Okay. Worst case scenario. Gracie is not yours, and Garrett wants to share custody. When we have her, our life will be just like it is now," I said.

"Fuck that," he said angrily.

"What do you mean?"

"I don't want to raise Gracie part-time as her goddamned stepfather. I mean, fuck that scenario."

"You'd always be more than a stepfather to her, Shawn," I said quietly.

"No. That is exactly what I'd be. I would not be her father. Some other guy would fill that role. It doesn't matter that I've been her father since you were pregnant. It doesn't matter that I love her more than I love anything else in this universe."

He was clenching his good fist. I really didn't want this discussion to get too overheated, but we had to talk about all this.

"What are you saying?" I asked.

"I'm saying that I don't know how I could keep up this life, the happy family life we have now, knowing that my baby is not actually mine," he said.

My heart sank.

"So if the paternity test says that you aren't Gracie's father, we're through?"

He looked away from me and took several seconds to respond. "I don't know, Mal. If Gracie's not mine, maybe we need to pretend like none of this ever happened. Let's say I'd had the paternity test when she was born. If I'd found out then, we wouldn't be together now."

"But you didn't know you loved me back then."

He looked at me, and the sadness in his eyes crushed my soul. "I know. And god knows I love you. But I don't know if that's enough to stay together living every day knowing that I'm not Gracie's father. I think the pain of not being her daddy might kill me."

I wiped away the tears that were falling again. "It might just take some time getting used to. I know it would be hard, but you'd still love her. That wouldn't change."

He gave me a weak smile. "I'll always love her. That's exactly why it would hurt. And you know that you and I have struggled throughout our marriage. Maybe that was some crazy sign that this was coming. Maybe fate was preparing us for this."

"No! I don't believe in fate. And you told me to stop being a quitter. You're quitting before we even have the results!" I said.

"Mal, I think we both know what the results are going to say."