The Free Pass

Chapter 39

Shawn

My birthday party was going strong as midnight approached. My parents and Aaliyah had left, but everyone else was still there. The tequila and beer were flowing. I'd started off on simple lime margaritas, but had switched to beer after a while. I was beyond buzzed, which felt pretty good. I hadn't had much to drink since Grace had been born.

It was good to see Mal cut loose and enjoy a couple drinks, too. I did get a laugh out of the fact that she carried the baby monitor around with her the whole night. She compulsively checked it. I didn't blame her; the party was noisy and it wouldn't have been surprising if the baby had woken up. She didn't, though.

Before my parents left, we'd had cake. Mallory had outdone herself with that. The cake was gorgeous and so delicious. After cake I opened presents. Most people just got me cards with gift certificates. My parents gave me a fantastic SLR camera to take pictures of the baby with. They felt I needed to upgrade from phone pics. Mal got me a gift certificate to get a new guitar the next time I was in LA. Gracie gave me the best gift. It was a scrapbook about the two of us. I seriously had to fight back tears when I looked at it.

I pulled Mal aside, guiding her down the hall to our room.

"Is something wrong?" she asked as I shut the door.

I couldn't help but look her over for the hundredth time that night. She looked so goddamned sexy

"Nothing's wrong. I just wanted to thank you in private for the gifts. Hopefully you'll be with me in LA and can help me when I pick out a guitar."

She didn't say anything. It was typical of her to shut down when I brought up the future.

"And the scrapbook is incredible. I love it," I said.

Mallory smiled. "I'm glad. I enjoyed making it."

"I just wish you'd included yourself in it," I said quietly.

"The whole point was it that it's about you and Gracie," she explained.

"But you're part of that equation. I have Gracie because of you."

"I'm sorry if you don't like it the way it is," she said sadly.

I grabbed onto her hands, though one of them still held the monitor, and pulled her closer to me. "I love it. It's perfect. I didn't mean to imply otherwise," I said, looking into her blue eyes.

I leaned forward so that our foreheads were touching. We just stood there.

"We should get back to our guests," she said as she stepped back.

I pulled her in again, this time wrapping my arms around her. She relaxed against my body.

"Shawn..." she murmured against my chest.

"Shhh. Baby, just let me enjoy this for a second. It's my birthday."

"This is what you wanted? What you meant in the nursery earlier?"

I pulled her a little closer. "I want so much more. I want a night with my wife."

"Well we are sleeping in here together tonight, so you get your birthday wish," she said.

"You know that's not what I mean. But don't worry. I'm not going to push you or say another word."

I then released her from my arms and gave her a kiss on the forehead.

She took a deep breath and left me alone in the bedroom.

I went back to the party and grabbed a cold beer. Over the next hour or so, the crowd started to dwindle down. Only my best friends and Mal's friends were left. Most of us were seated in the living room, though Mal and Vera were in the kitchen putting food away. Music was playing softly in the background.

When Mal was done, she walked into the living room. She'd taken off her shoes at some point so she was barefoot. Her loose bun was even looser. I really wanted to remove the pins and watch her hair cascade down her shoulders.

There wasn't much room except for a tiny space next to Andrew, so I patted my lap. "Looking for a seat, hun?"

She gave me a little eye-roll but sat down sideways on my thighs. I put my arms around her.

"Gracie still sleeping?" I asked.

She looked at the monitor. "Yep."

I continued a conversation with Matt and his girlfriend. Mallory rested her head on my chest and was soon fast asleep.

After awhile everyone decided to head out. By this point I'd almost sobered up. I carried Mallory to our room and laid her on the bed before I went back out and said my goodbyes. I then helped Vera and Kris get out the blankets and pillows for the couch.

When I went back in the bedroom, Mal was up and had changed into one of my t-shirts.

"My boobs are killing me. I need to pump and then dump the milk. Can you go check on Grace?"

I went to the nursery. As I opened the door, Gracie popped her head up. I picked her up and gave her a kiss. I then changed her diaper. I took her in the kitchen, apologizing to Vera and Kris for turning the lights on, and warmed up a bottle. Gracie and I then went back to her bedroom where I fed her, singing lullabies as she ate. She resisted the bottle at first, since she much preferred her mama, but she was hungry enough that she took it. When it was empty, I burped her and laid her back down in the crib.

"Goodnight sweet girl," I said to her before closing the door.

I went in the bedroom and saw that Mal had finished up pumping.

"You're so good with her," she said as she climbed under the covers. "I got goosebumps watching and listening to you over the monitor."

"If you leave me, you will be cutting my time with Gracie. It's not good for any of us," I said as I got changed. I then went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth.

When I was done, I got into bed next to Mallory.

"Do you believe that I don't think about what splitting up would do to Grace? I think about it all the time. I don't want to do anything to hurt her. Ever. But living in a home where her parents aren't in love isn't good for her, either. We're going to have to find some sort of balance, Shawn."

"Is your mind completely made up?" I asked.

She didn't answer right away, and my heart started to swell with a renewed feeling of hope.

"I can't control how I feel about you, but yes, my mind is made up. My mind tells me that we both need to accept that you and I weren't meant to be. Maybe we can each find love elsewhere. Maybe we'll be one of those happy blended families. It's not like the outcome has to be negative," she said.

I felt my heart, which had been floating a few seconds earlier, sink into my stomach.

I'd lost her.