The Free Pass

Chapter 40

Mallory

Things returned to what was normal for us (but hardly normal for a typical married couple) after Shawn's birthday weekend. He was still putting long hours in at the studio through the third week of August. Karen came by to help out every other day. She'd offered to keep coming daily, but I had things under control. It's not like it was when Gracie was just born. I was getting enough sleep and had no trouble taking care of her all day. I think Karen was helping me to put Shawn's mind at ease about being gone more than anything else.

The rest of August flew by. Gracie turned three months old at the end of the month and awarded us with the newfound ability to laugh. And laugh she did. Almost anything could get her going, though her daddy's knack for making silly faces always did the trick. She'd also mastered rolling over both ways. She was obviously a baby genius.

Shawn was leaving for Europe in the middle of September. He was extremely anxious about leaving us, though he'd be gone for less than a week. He finished recording and would have quite a bit of travel once he started promoting the new album, so he needed to get used to the short separations. Eventually he'd go on tour, which could mean a month away from home at a time.

"If you need anything, you can call my parents 24/7," he said one afternoon as we were strolling Gracie through a park near the condo.

Taking her out like this was no easy feat. We were often swarmed by fans. Shawn would do some pictures but would then have to beg them to give us some privacy. He insisted on still going out. He said it wasn't fair to Grace or me to not experience normal family things, like walks outside or dinners in restaurants, because of his fame.

"I know I can call your parents. And I have your entire team in my phone so that if I can't reach you, I can call someone who can. I also have your itinerary and can call the hotel. You need to relax. We'll be fine," I said.

Shawn pushed the stroller over a loose brick which caused the stroller to bump. Gracie started to laugh. Shawn and I looked at each other and smiled at how cute she was.

"Later in the fall, for the promo stuff, maybe you two could come with me," he suggested. "You'd love Japan."

"We'll see," I said.

"I knew you'd say that," he said. "That's the standard Mallory Mendes answer for anything related to our future."

"My response wasn't because I won't discuss our future, it was more about traveling across the world with a baby who is still under six months old."

"Gracie's the easiest baby in the world. She'd be fine."

"I'll ask the pediatrician about it next visit," I said, partly to end the conversation and partly because I really did have concerns about taking her infant immune system to another country.

"You promise to FaceTime me every day? With Gracie?" he asked.

"I promise, but you make it sound like I'm doing it as a favor to you. We're going to miss you and will want to talk to you, you know."

Shawn was quiet for a second. "You'll miss me?"

"Of course."

"I'm surprised to hear that, to be honest," he said.

I stopped walking, so he stopped the stroller.

"I know we have this strange arrangement of living together as friends while married, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you. I mean, come on, the whole problem is that I care too much," I said, my hands on my hips.

"Bullshit."

"Excuse me?"

"That's bullshit. I've been thinking about this a lot. Do you want to hear what I have to say, or will you run off?"

I was a bit taken aback by his attitude.

"Okay. I'll hear you out. I think we should talk at home, though. This park doesn't exactly give us privacy."

Shawn turned the stroller around and we headed home. We walked in silence until we got inside the condo. I lifted Gracie out of the stroller and took her to our room for a diaper change. I then sat in the glider rocker and nursed her. She fell asleep on the second boob. The fresh air often did that to her. I put her in her crib and joined Shawn in the living room.

"Let's hear it," I said.

"You and I took a vow when we got married. We both swore in front of our family and friends that we'd do everything to make our marriage work. You've just completely given up on your end of that. You may not take our wedding vows seriously, but I do. That's the problem."

"You lied in your vows, so they don't count," I said.

He threw his head back in frustration. "I didn't lie!"

"The word love was used repeatedly. You lied if you agreed to that part. Maybe I'm not sticking to the vows now, but at least I was honest when I said them."

"All I'm asking is that we try to make things work. We never gave it a fair shot. Baby, please?" he begged.

He was definitely getting to me. Every fiber in my being yearned to jump into his arms and tell him yes, I wanted to be his wife in all the ways that matter, not just on paper.

But I couldn't.

Or at least I couldn't as long as he didn't love me. And it grew more and more clear that wasn't ever going to happen.

Sometimes I wished he'd just lie and tell me that he loved me. He wanted me back so badly and wanted us to have a real marriage. All he had to do was tell one little lie. God knows I'd probably believe it just because I wanted it to be true. I'd be his.

He wasn't a liar, though. That was one of the things I loved about him. He'd especially never lie about something so important. He'd allow me to keep him at arm's length rather than tell me he loved me when he did not.

"I can't do that. I'm sorry," I said.

He looked so defeated.

"Shawn, as long as we're sitting here talking about all this, can I say something that's been in my mind?" I asked.

"You can always say anything to me, Mallory."

"I know it's been a long time since you, um, had sex. I mean, unless you are doing it with someone, and I don't know about it."

He sighed and ran his hands through his hair in obvious frustration. "There's no one else and yes, actually, it's been awhile. Probably somewhere around 100 days."

I couldn't help but smile that he had an accurate idea of how long he'd gone without it.

"I was thinking that while you're in Europe, if you have the opportunity to have, let's call it an encounter, with someone discreet, then that's okay with me."

"Oh yeah, Mal? Are you giving me some sort of special European free pass? It's awesome that you think I'd want that. I just got done telling you that I'm committed to the vows I took. Did you think I was kidding?" he said.

I wasn't accustomed to the angry sarcastic tone he was using. It stung.

"I'm just trying to make life easier for you. Our marriage may suck, but that doesn't mean I don't want you to be happy. I guess to you I'm just the horrible wife who isn't honoring her vows."

His jaw was tightly clenched as he spoke. "I'm no adulterer. I'm not cheating on you."

"I wasn't suggesting you were the kind of person who wants to cheat-"

"And Mal?" he interrupted. "Don't for a second fool yourself into thinking you'd be okay with it if I did. I know you. I saw how you reacted to what happened with that stupid fucking free pass. You regretted it. You can say you want to give me freedom, but I think you just want an excuse to push me away faster. Sorry, honey. I'm not giving you that."

And with those words he got up and walked to his room, shutting the door behind him.