The Free Pass

Chapter 41

Shawn

I was pissed at Mallory.

It infuriated me that she thought she was doing me some kind of fucking favor by 'allowing' me to cheat.

She didn't get that I didn't want to hook up with anyone. The only person I had any desire for was her. I know I made that pretty clear. If there was an opportunity to tell her or show her that I was still waiting for her to change her mind, I took it. I lived for the times we were around other people and I could touch her like we were really married. Even if it was just a kiss on the cheek, I jumped on the chance. I needed her to know that if she said the word, that could be us every day.

Despite being pissed, I was also really pleased that we were finally talking about our relationship again. Maybe we weren't making much progress, but as long as we had a dialogue going, I had hope.

There were several days between our recent discussion and when I was leaving for Europe. We were fine. Both of us were really good at maintaining normalcy in our home even when things were off between us. It was important to do so for Gracie's sake.

We had my parents and sister over for dinner the night before I was leaving. Mallory made a black bean and sausage soup that was out of this world. It was pretty awesome that she'd taken on cooking as a hobby. I'd taken over bathroom and kitchen cleaning as a trade-off. Her food was so good that I knew I was getting the better end of the deal.

"How are your parents?" my dad asked Mallory after he'd gotten himself a second serving of soup.

"They're good," she replied. "They are planning to visit at the end of the month. I tried to get them to come while Shawn was gone, but my dad has some huge project for work."

"Tell them they are welcome to stay with us when they come," my mom said.

This reminded me that I'd been thinking of something for awhile.

"I think we should get a bigger place," I said.

Mal turned to me, a look of astonishment on her face. "What? Why would you want to do that? This place is plenty big enough and it's beautiful."

"I'd like a decent in-home recording studio. I'd also like a guest bedroom. It's crazy that we can't have people stay here without making them sleep on the couch or someplace else. Wouldn't you like your parents to stay here? Plus, as Gracie gets bigger, we're going to want more room for her to run around," I explained.

"I think it makes some sense," my mom said. My dad nodded in agreement.

Mal looked skeptical. "You love this place. I find it hard to believe you really want to move."

"I love it, but I could love a new place. I'm not quite ready to settle down in a house with a yard, but there's got to be a condo out there that fits our needs."

"Just make sure it still has a view," Aaliyah said.

After dinner we moved to the living room where everyone took turns playing with Gracie. My dad couldn't resist making her laugh over and over again. Eventually this led to her spitting up.

"I'm just going to take her to the bathroom for a quick bath," Mal said as she picked a messy Grace up off my dad's lap.

"I'll help you," I said, standing up.

"Can I get dessert ready while you two do that?" my mom asked.

"That would be great," Mallory said. "There are brownies on the counter and there's ice cream in the freezer."

We went to the bathroom. I filled Grace's little tub while Mal undressed her.

"So what's up with the desire to move?" she said as she tested the water temperature. She then put Grace in the tub and held her while I started to bathe her.

"I think we need a bigger place. It's that simple."

"It seems ridiculous to buy a new place knowing that eventually I'm moving out," she said.

"The way you said that, it sounds like you're leaving sooner rather than later. I thought we were going to keep up the happily married couple act for a while."

"I don't know when I'm leaving. I just know it's inevitable. We can't keep this up forever."

"Maybe we could. I'm happy living together as a family. Grace is my life, and I can't stand the thought of her leaving. And seriously, Mal, we get along really well," I said.

I decided not to mention the big thing that was missing from our marriage. I often wondered if she missed it as much as I did.

"You know we'd share custody. I'm not going to take her away," she said.

"It's not the same and you know it."

She couldn't really argue with that, so she said nothing.

"And my reasons for wanting a bigger place aren't just related to having three people living here. You heard me mention the studio and an extra bedroom," I added.

"It's your home and your money," Mallory said as she lifted Grace out of the tub. "If you want this, I'll go along with it."

What I hadn't told her was that one reason I wanted to move was so that we'd pick out and decorate the place together. I wanted Mallory to feel like it was her home, since I knew she'd never felt that way about this place. I was counting on her putting down roots, because I knew it would then be tougher for her to go.

We rejoined everyone in the dining room where my mom and dad had just finished putting dessert on the table. I set my fresh clean Gracie in her swing, which I put on the gentlest setting since she'd already puked up milk once.

"Her hair is so curly when it's wet!" Aaliyah exclaimed. "Not that she has much hair."

"Her hair is all Shawn," Mal said. "I think all she got from me are the blue eyes."

"Maybe your next one will be blonde," Karen said.

I saw Mallory open her mouth to respond, but she stopped herself. I'm sure she was going to say there wouldn't be a 'next one.'

Aaliyah turned to me. "How many kids do you want?"

"Six," I responded.

Everyone stopped eating and stared at me.

"I'm just kidding," I said with a chuckle. "I'd like three, I think. Maybe have two close together and then have a third a bit later when the first two are more self-reliant."

"You've obviously given this thought," Mallory said.

"Sounds like your wife might feel differently," my dad said, winking at Mal.

I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "What do you want, my sweet wife?"

She gave me a sharp kick under the table and then stood up. "I want another brownie. Can I get anyone else one?"

After my family left a bit later, we started on the dishes.

"That was obnoxious," Mal said.

"How so?"

"You just got your parents' hopes up about having more grandchildren. You said we might have two close together. Now they're going to be wondering if we're trying. God knows we're not."

"I didn't think of that. Maybe they won't think too much of it."

"Hopefully not."

"Don't be mad at me before I leave," I said as I dried a bowl.

"Tonight you sprung on me both moving to a new place and having more kids, right in front of your whole family, so I think I have a right to be a little annoyed with you," she said curtly.

"Okay, so I was an ass. I'm sorry. I really am. Please don't stay mad. I can't leave tomorrow morning knowing you are unhappy with me," I pleaded.

She turned and looked at me. "Fine. I'm not mad."

And then she walked down the hall to her room, shutting the door behind her.

I turned to Grace who was smiling at me as she rocked in her swing. "Why do I think your mama was fibbing just now, baby Grace?"