The Free Pass

Chapter 27

Shawn

"It makes me think you might love me," she said, her blue eyes meeting mine, showing me her pain.

I knew while we were talking that I should've just walked away. Mal was obviously uncomfortable and I was pushing her. It didn't help that I'd had a lot to drink today. I'd sobered up slightly when I napped, but I was still buzzed.

"You love me?" I asked, dumbfounded by what she'd just said.

She didn't respond. Instead she got up and went to our bedroom, shutting the door behind her. I heard the click of the lock.

The conversation was over.

I stood in the dining room for a few minutes, not sure what I should do. Eventually I moved into the living room and sat down.

I had no idea how to process what she'd said. Mallory loved me. How long had she felt that way? Did she love me when I'd proposed? Jesus. She never indicated that she had that type of feeling for me.

What now? I kept asking myself that. How do things work now? It was one thing when we both felt the same way. We were on equal ground. It was balanced. Now it felt like we were on a teeter-totter with one of us on the ground and the other dangling in the air.

I sat there for hours trying to decide what I should do. Mal and I probably needed to talk more. We communicated well, or so I thought. Surely we could restore balance somehow.

Around 10:00, I figured I should try to sleep. It had been a long day. My own bed was out, so I went to the linen closet and grabbed a pillow and blanket. I laid down on the couch, but sleep evaded me. I tossed and turned for at least 90 minutes before sitting up.

I put on my shoes and grabbed my phone and my keys. I left the condo and took the short walk to Beth's bar. It felt good to be out in the fresh air. It cleared my head somewhat. Hopefully talking to Beth would give me even more clarity. It was slightly busier than usually at the bar, but I found barstool and sat down.

"You look like shit," Beth said when she approached me.

"Thanks. Bourbon, please."

"You okay?" she asked as she poured me a generous amount of booze.

"Mallory and I had a fight. I mean, I guess it was a fight. Maybe it was more of a discussion. I don't even know."

"You want to talk about it?"

"I do, yeah."

"The crowd here usually clears out by 1:00. Sit tight and we can talk then," she said. She then got back to work serving other customers.

I pulled out my phone to see if I'd gotten any texts and saw that it was about to die. Shit. I put it back in my pocket.

I drank two more drinks as I waited for the other patrons to clear out. Just like every other time I'd been there, I wasn't recognized. I think that's one reason I liked this bar. The people left like clockwork as Beth had said they would.

"I'm going to close up," she said.

She went to the front door and locked it, turning the sign from 'yes, we're open' to 'sorry, we're closed.'

"Let's sit at a table," she suggested.

She poured me another drink and got herself one. We sat down in a booth.

"Let me have it," she said.

"Mal's been here a week and things have been fine. I honestly thought it would be harder having her move in."

"Okay. That's good, right?"

"Today, my family threw us a big baby shower. It was great, but I drank a lot and Mallory was exhausted by the end of the day."

Beth nodded.

"We took a nap when we got home. When she woke up, she made this comment. It just really bugged me."

"What did she say?"

"I'd said how much my family loved her, and she said that was ironic, because, you know, I don't love her."

"Ouch. She kind of has a point though, right? There is some irony. It's not like you two aren't honest about not being in love, so maybe she felt she could say that," Beth said.

"She hasn't been honest with me, though," I said with some bitterness.

"In what way?"

"The more we talked, it came out that she thinks I'm being fake with my affection towards her. And that hurts her."

"It hurts her?"

"It hurts her because she wants me to be loving because I actually love her." I took a swig of my drink. "Because she loves me."

"Ah ha. And that's the problem, eh?"

"Yeah. That's the problem."

Beth shook her head. "I've talked to a lot of people in this bar over the years, but not once has someone complained to me about their spouse loving them. Usually it's the opposite."

"You think I'm being stupid?"

"No. I don't."

I pulled my phone out to check the time. It was dead.

"Do you have an iPhone charger?" I asked her.

She held her hand out. "It's next to the register. I'll plug it in for you."

I handed her the phone and she went behind the bar and connected it to the charger.

"You want another drink?" she asked.

"Nah. I'm good."

She sat back down across from me. "So, are you upset that she loves you or upset that she just now told you?"

"Both, but probably more that she kept it from me."

"You have to understand how she feels, right? She loves you and you've made it clear you don't love her. That's got to hurt."

"I know. And it kills me that I've hurt her. I had no idea that every time I was being loving towards her it was hurting her. The last thing I would ever want to do is cause her pain."

Cocking her head, Beth said, "Why are you so affectionate or loving?"

"It feels right. I mean, she's my wife. We get along great and we're involved sexually. How can I not be loving towards her?"

Beth leaned forward. "Has it ever crossed your mind that you treat her that way because you actually have deep feelings for her?"

I stared at her for a second. "You think I love Mallory?"

"I don't know. I've never seen you together, outside of the photos I've seen online. But it seems like you care about her a lot. Maybe you've told yourself for so long that you don't love her, that you never opened yourself up to the possibility of love."

"But I'd know if I loved her, right? I thought love hit you like a ton of bricks. No one ever describes it as something they aren't sure of."

"There's no norm when it comes to feelings."

I could see what Beth was saying, but I knew that I'd know if I was in love.

"I should head home. It's late."

I stood up and pulled money out of my wallet. Beth took it and went to the cash register. She put the money in and grabbed my phone.

"Hey Shawn, your phone is blowing up."