The Free Pass

Chapter 17

Shawn

"I'm giving you a free pass," she said.

"What does that even mean?" I asked, confused by this entire conversation.

"We're getting married next month. Before we take our vows, I'm giving you permission to go out and do whatever you want with another woman."

I thought she was kidding, so I started laughing. It was just so ridiculous.

"I'm not joking. I'm allowing you to cheat on me, but just once, and it has to be before the wedding."

I jumped up off the couch, abruptly letting go of her hand in the process. "Are you fucking kidding me, Mal? Why the hell would you suggest this?!"

"Shawn, come on, we both know that you've pretty much been forced into monogamy. I'm saying that before we get married, you can have one last fling."

"Why do you even think I want that? Jesus. I'm insulted!" I was trying hard not to yell.

Mallory looked at me. "Tell me, no, swear to me, right now, that you have no problem with giving up other women. Can you do that?"

I opened my mouth to speak. I wanted to tell her that no, I was totally fine with it. But that was a lie.

"Yes, I liked fucking around. There was a thrill to picking someone up and having a night of sex with them."

"That's not what I asked you to tell me, Shawn," she said.

Goddamnit. I turned away from her and ran both hands through my hair. I turned back to her.

"You really want me to tell you that I'm not happy about giving that up? You want me to say that and hurt you? Because I don't want to hurt you!"'

"You just said it," she said quietly. "And I already knew it, so you aren't hurting me any more than I already was hurt."

Her beautiful face looked so sad. I sat down next to her and grabbed her hands.

"I'm sorry. I wish I felt differently. But I swear to you, I'm going to be faithful. Our baby and our family are important to me."

She nodded. "I know you want to be faithful. I know you are going above and beyond what most men in your situation would do. It means everything to me."

"Then why would you bring up this stupid free pass idea?" I asked.

"I feel like you deserve one last wild night. Plus, if you do it and you realize you won't be able to give that up, it would be so much better to know that before we get married." She looked down at our intertwined hands. "It will really hurt me if you cheat on me once we're married. I know you don't love me, but I want our marriage to be real."

"I want that, too," I said quietly.

"I have a favor to ask, though. I don't want to know about the free night. I don't ever want to know if you did it, who it was with, or what it was like."

"Mal..."

"Unless it makes you realize you aren't ready to commit, obviously. If that happens, then you need to come to me and be honest. I'll understand, I promise. And I also promise that I'll make it clear to my dad and Andrew and anyone else that calling off the wedding was my decision."

It felt like my stomach was full of lead. Of all the conversations we'd had since November, this was the worst.

"Is this some sort of test?" I asked her. "Are you trying to see what kind of person I am?"

She shook her head. "No! I'm not like that. I'd never set someone up to fail a test, especially not you."

"Then why are you doing this?"

She hesitated before answering. "I've given this a ton of thought. I didn't come to this lightly. I sincerely want you to take me up on this offer. In a way it will make me feel less guilty about everything. It's honestly as much for me as it is for you."

"What got you thinking about this?"

"It just came to me that the commitment of marriage would be harder for you, especially since you aren't marrying me for the normal reasons. I understand how drastically it's going to impact how you live your life. And if you think about it, taking me up on this is not that different from the countless guys who go out and have a wild night at their bachelor party. You hear stories all the time about guys getting lap dances or banging a stripper. It's the same thing, except I'm giving you permission."

"I'm not comfortable with this at all," I said.

"Okay. I get that. I know it's unconventional. But when you get home to Toronto, you need to think about it. And if you choose to, go ahead and act on it. Just be safe and discreet for my sake."

"Can we just end this discussion?" I asked.

"Yes. The pizza should be here any second now anyway."

As if on cue, there was a knock at the door. I got up and answered it, tipping the delivery guy and taking the large pizza box in my hands. I set it on the counter.

Mallory and I ate our pizza in silence.

After dinner, we sat on the couch and watched TV for hours, again not saying anything.

"I'm tired," she said after a long yawn. "I'm going to sleep."

"I'm just going to sleep out here on the couch," I said.

She looked at me with such sadness in her blue eyes. "Please come to bed with me."

"You sure you want me to?"

She stood up and took my hands in hers. "Actually, Shawn, I need you to."

I let her pull me up and lead me to her bedroom. We both took off our clothes. I often went to bed in my boxers. She always went to bed in a big t-shirt and panties. Usually, though, we ended up sleeping naked.

She only had a double bed, so we were forced to sleep close to each other. I was on my side and she positioned herself so that she was spooning against my chest. She took my hand and placed it on her belly.

"Baby's kicking," she said. "I think it's the pizza."

We lay there and I fell asleep to the feeling of my child kicking against the palm of my hand.

When I woke up, Mallory was facing me. "Hi," she said quietly with a shy smile.

"Hi," I replied, my voice raspy.

"I don't want you to leave today with things weird between us," she said.

"That's going to be difficult."

"I think we can find a way to reconnect," she said. She then leaned forward and kissed me.

You'd think having sex after the talk we'd had the night before would be strained or awkward. It wasn't. I think we both needed it. We needed each other.

Afterwards, I held her in my arms. I told myself that I could lead a happy life with just her. The sex really was fantastic. Why would I ever want anyone else?

And yet, I kept thinking about what she'd offered me.